I know my line breaks are...well, "distinctive." They have been known to bother people. When they work, they really work. But for me the way I break the lines is often the only way TO break the lines. So I try and consider them part of my "style" and in the meantime try to learn more and experiment with them. Edit: I know I have a tendency to write lines that drive up towards a tension and then break before the tension - the subject, perhaps? - resolves. I think that's what people don't like.
That's how I would do - just playing - much more to respond to in your post, of course, but not right now. A relationship
is as simple as locking
eyes with someone across
a crowded room. That beautiful
someone you imagine the rest
of your life with
for the rest of the day.
I would go further and edit (this is just me playing. when i go and edit something it's about me putting it in my personal style, I'm not saying I think it would necessarily be better this way - just wanted to see how I'd warp this to my own voice) to this:
It is NOT the same as what you posted though. A relationship locks
eyes across a crowded room.
Some beautiful someone,
the rest of your lives
imagined for the rest
of the day.
That's interesting. This construction forces "your" to refer to "A relationship" and "Some beautiful someone", eradicating the implicit "I" of the poem. Also, there is no real "who" to whom the eyes in "eyes across a crowded room" belong to, which forces it to also be a verb in the context of the singular line. See? Line breaks are wicked important!