ANATOMY OF A KEGGER

(From the long lens of maturity)

The first thing to understand is that the loud music, the freely-flowing (cheap) alcohol, the terrible lighting are all designed to lower inhibitions and suppress individuality. It’s a drum circle, anthropologically speaking. The point is to take a large number of individuals and turn them into a cohesive group.

The next thing to understand is that this ritual exists because everyone is frightened, everyone is alone, everyone is reaching out for some form of human connection but everyone is inhibited by their shyness, by their alienation. The jungle drums and fermented poi exist to broach the boundaries of propriety for those that lack the strength to vision quest on their own.

Finally, you need to understand that conformity is a powerful social signal, particularly amongst the Greek societies of American colleges. It’s a big, long, “one of us, one of us, one of us” ritual designed to align those of similar affinities into a structure that self-perpetuates and protects its own. Your reaction to this structure is one that damages your likelihood of being invited back. Which is probably fine by you. But listen for a minute.

I have had very few thoughts in my life that I consider to be genuine insights. However, “stupid teen parties” (and their Greek descendants) become an understandable, tolerable, manageable thing when you consider it from this perspective:

Humans are social creatures. So are sheep. So are wolves. Some humans are herd animals. Some humans are pack animals. Understand who you are and understand who you are dealing with.

The external perspective on a kegger is that of an unorganized miasma of inebriation and inappropriate social cues. This is conditionally true from a macro sense; more accurately, the organization and leadership is not visible to the average participant (we’ll come back to that). Speaking frankly, the goal of a kegger is to make the sheep even more sheep-like. This tends to annoy wolves when they aren’t paying attention to the mechanisms at play.

Stripping your experience down to its raw essentials, you:

- were invited to a social event by a girl that you find “incredibly persistent” and “kinda cute.”

- were introduced to her boyfriend and three eligible females.

- “leaned against a wall and morphed into it like a shadow.”

This was a mistake. You were fixated on the environment and ignored the context. Pretend that instead of being invited to a kegger, you were invited to a gallery opening. Strip out the terrible music, the red keg cups and the unconsciously-racist trollops in their Juicy Couture and run it back in your head in a different tableau. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Do you see your mistake? In case you don’t, let me expound a little bit, again from the lofty perch of experience:

- hookups are the coin of the realm in post adolescent culture. A currently-attached girl expended some of her social capital on the investment that you would provide a dividend by engaging at least one of her three friends in some form of courtship.

- your immediate reaction was to be dismissive towards all of them because you couldn’t divorce yourself from the environment.

- your considered reaction is “I hate parties” without understanding down to your very bones that it’s not about the party.

I spent two years at a college with no Greek system. I then transferred to a college with an endemic, pernicious Greek system. Worse, I studied mechanical engineering at a school with an endemic, pernicious Greek system - my peers were Nigerian nationals, Vietnamese nationals, Chinese nationals and frat rats. Fortunately for me, I was mixing at the biggest club in Seattle within three days of starting classes - I actually spent more time “behind the scenes” at kegger-like environments than I did in class.

When your view on the culture is top-down, you learn a few things.

The first thing to know is that in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. Just because you’re in an environment full of sheep getting their sheep on does not mean you need to bleat and baa your way to conformity. The system is designed to drive out leadership and initiative, but only because the overwhelming majority of participants are seeking exactly that. Break it down to the subtext:

“Welcome to this loud and unpleasant environment. I find you attractive but am currently involved with someone. Please choose from among these three maidens I present to you and do not disappoint me by acting in a maladroit and antisocial manner.”

The next thing to know is that a kegger is a hub not a destination. The goal of a kegger is to find people to do other things with. That could be as simple as bailing for a club - or even a goddamn Denny’s. “I’m so hungry right now!” is an invitation to say “Me too! I’d kill for a Grand Slam breakfast - wanna go?” Think of it as a gathering place, not as an experience. Even better, think of it as a target-rich environment.

A killing field.

A pasture upon which to launch your pointy teeth.

Finally, you need to understand down to your very bones that the entire structure, the artifice in its completeness, the alpha and the omega of the affair is designed to give scared people a place to be less scared for the enrichment of the Overlords. Frats are expensive. Sororities are expensive. Lots of dues go into parties, lots of personal involvement. These things are designed to palliate the masses so that the people on top can continue to profit. There’s nothing “party-like” about it.

I long since learned that it is far better to throw a party than to go to a party. You’re in control. You dictate the music. And best of all, you’re so busy keeping people happy that you don’t have to get sucked into the miasma they’re designed to perpetuate. Last “kegger” I threw? I got to 3rd base with three girls and got laid twice, son. Trust me - you’re in a much better position when you’re in charge of these things. That’s something I learned mixing in the clubs. For one thing, your drinks are free. For another, you’re the only caste with privacy (you probably have your own bathroom). For yet another, the fact that the velvet rope is invisible to you has a bizarre cachet - you wouldn’t think you’d get used to being propositioned for sex by random strangers but you do.

So don’t give up on parties. And don’t sit there mired in your own self-righteousness about them either. Yeah, the music will suck. Yeah, you will be surrounded by assholes. Yeah, it gets tedious and tiresome to see the baser nature of humanity flaunted and celebrated. But also remember that the whole point of these things is social lubrication and if you insist on getting stuck about it, you’re missing out on opportunity.

If you really hate it that much, learn to DJ. You have to put up with nobody’s bullshit and your every interaction is a gift from the heavens to some people. Besides which, getting a room of 700 people pumping to a beat you control is goddamn addictive.