This was a really good read, thanks for posting. A lot of this I can relate to, especially the silver spoon bit. I think what really felt similar to my experience though was the second paragraph: I think I started doing it in high school, showing over-the-top hate/dislike for something thinking it was cool or funny. It continued on through college too - my roommate always thought my rants were hilarious and I thought hers were too. However in the end I think all it's done is encouraged me to be a much more negative person than I want to be. So now I'm trying to actively be more positive about situations and trends, even if I think my gut reaction to it is "That's dumb" or something.I complain and criticize more often than I’d like, but I’m a little disappointed by this caricature of myself, even if some people find it endearing. It’s not that it is unfounded; I know that I’ve made plenty of disparaging remarks about fireworks and popular television shows and things that I don’t like, using stronger language than I actually feel. Maybe I do it to make my point more direct, or to play devil’s advocate, or to try to be funny, or have my opinion heard. These are all true to some degree. Sometimes I feel like it’s a façade and sometimes I feel like it’s just part of who I am.
Realizing that how I view myself and how others view me aren't the same has definitely bothered me. Ideally my friends would be able to see in me what I see in myself, but that's not always the case, and I understand more what differs. Other people can really only judge you (and I don't mean that negatively) based on what you say and what you do - they don't know your thoughts or how dramatic or genuine you're trying to be unless you tell them, which is both hard to do and rare. Most of my social interactions don't have to be deep connections, but I strive to be understood, or at least not misunderstood or misinterpreted. I think I can really name a handful of people that have gotten beneath my cynical layer (which I assume they enjoy at times) and have an appreciation for me as a person. What that is precisely, I'm not sure (it could be me projecting it onto them), but being around them is certainly easier and more relaxing. I hope you have luck with your positivity! I sent a few emails a while back to some of my friends, complimenting them for qualities that I admire in them. It was a little cliche, but I do not want to count the times I've genuinely been able to compliment my friends. Especially compared to the amount of times that I've been cynical or sarcastic. I don't think there's anything wrong about being sarcastic with friends, but it's nice to not be that way with them too.