This week has been a stressful one.
First of all, I've skipped uni altogether just to afford time to write papers on two subjects that I have to pass off on Monday. I'm only three quarters through the first one and I haven't even seen the requirements for the second. I'm proud of the progress I've made with it - it's an original, evidence-supported paper about modern problems of humanity - but the thought that doesn't escape me is that I could've done it way sooner, with way less stress and just the same quality, but didn't. We've learned about the papers in the beginning of the semester. What stopped me from doing it then?
Well... Can't say it was just me being lazy. This whole semester I've felt drained, unexcited - barring a few moments I got to spend with other people. (People, I find, are an important component of my life. Turns out, I can't do everything on my own, no matter how much I'd like to.) I've skipped so many classes I'm surprised I wasn't filed for expulsion. Teachers still treat me well, probably because they see I can do well despite being away for so long, but there's got to be a limit to this... and I'm afraid I'm going to touch it very soon.
The semester's coming to an end, and all the academic debt I've accumulated I now have to pay off. It's a lot. The three main subjects alone - Grammar, Phonetics and Language Practice - are going to put me through the loop. Then there are the two papers that I have to finish. Then there's the PE pass marks that I'd have to earn, unsurprisingly, through physical exercise - which I suck at ever, just like last year. All the running I did was wasted as soon as I stopped because of increasing stress. Then there are exams and final tests - and by this point, certainty is increasing that I'll fail miserably if I keep going the way I do. Even strong coffee doesn't help anymore: it's an issue of burning out, not energy. I usually don't feel stress that's accumulating: I perceive it through secondary effects, like lack of energy and irritability. Right now, I know for certain I'm stressed out because I feel it.
My thoughts right now are on escapism. Play some videogames. Watch a film. Get some Netflix down my throat. Visit someone. Talk to someone from my past.
That last one is compelling. Problem is - the only person I could talk to in any significant manner has told me she's "not sure" she wants to be my friend again.
Second, I'm failing in relationships left and right. Out of however-many "friends" I have in the social network, none will ever reach out. Oftentimes, I go quiet when I feel down. It's not the kind of relationships I want or need, and I have no idea what's wrong about it.
But most importantly, things don't seem to be good between me and the girl I keep talking about at Pubski, Yana. I want it to be good, and the meantime uncertainty is killing me. We don't talk often because she's only free in the evenings, and her evenings are my early nights. She sounds interested in spending time together online - surprisingly so, even, considering how abrasive I've been so far.
Some good news is that I've been running an experiment of not eating any sugar this week (damn good time to start that). Accidentally, it turned into a week of healthier eating. Turned out, milky coffee without sugar isn't as terrible as I remember it if I glug it down quickly enough. Tea is okay, but it needs sugar to reach its true potential for me.
Overall, I feel like not eating any sugar helped me go through the week without falling apart. I needed some food, and since I couldn't afford to cook much (because taking care of oneself is very difficult for depressives), I found buying ready food much more possible because I suddenly found myself in possession of wealth of money compared to when I used to buy sweets. Who'da thought luxury food and sweets are such a drain in the budget?
Besides, I feel like it helped me be more stable, not eating anything sweet. The sweetest thing I ate (apart from that one time when it didn't register that this salad has grapes until I got home) were cashews. They're damn good nuts.
* * *
I'm a resilient man. Sveta's noticed it about me back in 2012, when I was far less capable of taking care of thing. I'll get through it. Don't know how, but I will. Not gonna ask for encouragement, because last time I did, no one said a word. The ultimate purpose of this writing is self-therapy, anyway. I'm quite good at making psychology work. What I need is letting my thoughts crystallize so I could see what the hell's happening inside of me.
- Some good news is that I've been running an experiment of not eating any sugar this week (damn good time to start that). Accidentally, it turned into a week of healthier eating. Turned out, milky coffee without sugar isn't as terrible as I remember it if I glug it down quickly enough. Tea is okay, but it needs sugar to reach its true potential for me.
My dentist had some stern words with me last year, and I ended up giving up on sugars that didn't come from fruits.
Resetting my palate was a slow process. Not so much because it was slow to change, but because the floor kept dropping. Once a month or so I'd end up trying something I thought was too bitter in the past, discover it to be OK, slowly become accustomed to it, and then move on to the next bitterness threshold.
I never understood it when people would talk about the sweetness of milk, but a year on and I'm starting to.
- Second, I'm failing in relationships left and right. Out of however-many "friends" I have in the social network, none will ever reach out. Oftentimes, I go quiet when I feel down. It's not the kind of relationships I want or need, and I have no idea what's wrong about it.
Web, or IRL?
The online social group I have where everyone is closest to being as (naturally? effortlessly?) in tune with each other as face-to-face relationships is a small chatgroup that started on irc back in 2001. And even then: you take those same people and plop them on Facebook, Twitter, or G+ and it stops being so. We'll rapidly switch into people pinging status updates at each other that get lost in the noise of hundreds of other people pinging their own updates into the wash.
- I never understood it when people would talk about the sweetness of milk, but a year on and I'm starting to.
Interesting perspective. Never thought about it that way.
Been eating some sweet things the last couple of days. Feels like it's too much, even though it's nowhere near enough what I used to consume easily. Bought myself some sugary stuff to make myself feel better... and can't bring myself to eat it. Even sweet tea tastes weird. I wonder if it will ever taste the same again.
I think the kind of unmoderated consumption that I used to indulge in leads to all kinds of temporary mental regress - motivation, energy, mood - that I'm not willing to risk for temporary sugar high.
- Web, or IRL?
Intermeshed, for the same result. I've been thinking about it, and it may be more of an issue with what I am as a person (and the kind of vibe that I give off naturally) than with other people. Without outside perspective, it's hella difficult to say with certainty, and the only people who could attest with honesty are no longer willing to talk to me.