I don't even know how to start this one.
I'm very tired. I've only ever been this tired after a day in the construction site - and I've been lifting wooden planks several storeys up there. But god damn it, was it worth it.
So, congratulate me, Hubskifolk: I'm officially and effectively a curator for a group of Foreign Language Faculty's freshmen.
The guys and gals (mostly gals) are nice, quickly growing into each other. After a day of hard work, they had the energy to get to know each other through a game. There are those who are clearly open to others, and there are those who clearly aren't. It is, of course, nothing but okay: after all, I do remember myself at day one of the uni. They've already made a group conversation in the social network (good for them!), and I was able to tell them some of the important things they ought to know, as well as some advice.
I've spent a lot of time already tending to administrative matters, mostly to answer the newcomers' questions. More tending to come, what with their study program possibly differing from mine (we have different profiles: they're the scholars of Chinese, I'm of English, which, apparently, dictates some of the process). It's a pleasant kind of responsibility - to be able to help the unknowledgeable turn knowledgeable. It's also interesting to see the student life from their perspective: they know nothing, and it is refreshing to wear that mask for a moment as I consider what to reply with best.
One big moment of realization about the nature of the task I'm heading towards was when we - the curators - were packing up gift bags for the freshmen. It was a serious moment: not solemn or stressful, but filled with determination and the desire to do good by the new students. Nervous as we all were (and tired as we all were by the end of the meeting with the dean - by god, that woman spoke volumes), we were all headed towards this; some of us for the whole month, some of us more than that, and some - like myself - for just two days. The length didn't matter, though: we all attended to the task to the fullest. It's a... serious moment for me. A moment of awe before the grandious magnitude of the task, the likes of which I've never met or thought of before, if you will.
I haven't been talking to people as much or as "normal"... ever. I'm now involved into three separate conversations simply to coordinate efforts and help each other out, newcomers or fellow curators. I used to have three friends on the social network; now I have 22. I used to have three "histories" (saved conversations, with people or groups); now I have 12. The fact that, most of the time, half my friends are online, is unusual, but somehow pleasant.
I haven't done any public speaking prior, and today was a powerful shock to my system, though I can't say it was solely malicious. It did my best to look at everyone as I explained something, and though I recognize it may not have looked totally natural, I think I did well. I felt rejoyced to have the opportunity to speak to quite a few of them (the group's 14 people). Didn't like to scream to let my group hear me in a sea of their yearmates, though. Held off until I had to, letting others do it.
I guess I'm still making sense of what happened, given how tasking it was. What made sense immediately, though, was this: it was great and what I was looking for despite how stressful it was today. Though at the back of my head the voice said "Don't do it anymore", I knew it wasn't what I wanted. Things are going to be stressful at times, be it a personal relationship, that within a group, a deed or a project. It's just part of the game, and more than I don't enjoy the bad stuff, I enjoy playing it. Tough times will pass, but good memories and the sense of achievement shall remain. That is worth doing it for.
I said in yesterday's post that I'm not looking for others' affection as much. It is true, but in the moments like this - moments when you're tired and stressed - it's nice to have a company that would help me relax and support me when I feel down. Maybe I don't inspire friendship in people, or maybe I just don't know how to keep company. I can support myself, but spending time with friends is nice. It's a topic of its own, and I don't even know how to start going on about it.
Anyway. I'm heading to bed. I have literally a whole day of uni tomorrow, 9 AM to 6PM. Thank you for your support and all the nice words, Hubski. Be well.