Today, we had a PhysEd test. I missed the last one - the 2km run - and was discussing it with yearmates, seeing how I still have to pass it. One of the yearmates, a fairly average guy physically, told me that it'd be a struggle to complete it under twelve and a half minutes, the top-mark time. I could only shrug.
I came early to the stadium and did a full circle - of which I'd have to do two and a half - to see how long it would take. It took precisely five minutes, and no loss of breath accompanied it.
I've been jogging for the past four weeks. Out of fear of appearing evangelizing I'm going to keep my reactions mild, but believe me when I say that it allowed me to start turning my life around. Now, I'm... having trouble actually writing this post for some reason, but fuck it, I'm going to post it anyway, because I deserve it.
I'm not a disciplined man, so I'd skip some days. I also don't stick to the leg exercises that the program prescribes since I feel like I'm fine without them. Still, with what I've done so far, I'm in a better place than I ever was. I believe in myself, and I finally want to live the life that I have, because nothing I come across will ever repeat itself, and it's a loss to let such precious moments go away. I'm doing well physically, overcoming mental obstacles better than I ever did. There's still a lot of work in front of me if I want to come to what most of you guys take for granted, but... I'm good.
What did this all culminate on? I invited a girl out. First one in months. I realized that if I ever want to enjoy life, I'm going to do things that bring such enjoyment or, at least, bear the possibility of it. I don't know what it's going to end up as. I come into it with no expectations and no attachments until so desired. I have ideas where I'd like it to go, and I'm going to see if the girl is interested, and if not, it's okay. I won't hide, I put a lot of weight into it nonetheless, but... I guess it's just what overcoming anxiety feels like.
So... here I am, Hubski. Still as creepy and hardly social as ever, but doing better. Doing good. Hope you're proud of me.
Personally, discipline is something I had to work really hard to develop. I was/still am a pretty lazy person - I just worked on this habit of doing things despite having every excuse not to go through with it. Oh man, the alarm going off at 5:30am?? Yeah I could easily hit snooze and get up at 7 to get ready for work, but I have this little line in my head running around when I'm in bed thinking about sleeping in - "How bad do you want it?". I'm yet to nail down what IT actually is, maybe it's the joy of training? Looking good naked? I dunno. But it gets me out of bed, I want it really bad whatever it may be - it seems to change from day to day; 100kg bench, squat for more, see some development in my body, get an extra 5m on my kicking in rugby, etc. I think once you establish that you want something badly enough you'll make it a habit to set out and grab it - and continuing the journey when motivation inevitably burns out, is discipline taking over.
I can also attest to running having an enormous effect on your life. Growing in confidence, helping combat anxiety (we know it's never really gone for good huh), that inexplicable feeling when you know you can move your body, really move it and make it do things.
Sounds like you're on the right track. As always, Kia Kaha.
Thanks, man. Sorry for not having replied to your PM yet.
- Oh man, the alarm going off at 5:30am?? Yeah I could easily hit snooze and get up at 7 to get ready for work
I do this at times. It feels like I deserved the rest sometimes, and sometimes, I don't feel like I've slept enough; with sleep being very important to my mood and mindset, I can't afford to undersleep without a good reason. Skipping the alarm also means I would usually skip the run: for some reason, it seems to me that doing it past 9 or 10 AM is not good. After a day or two of doing so, I see the effects: I'm not as resolved to do stuff and I don't have as much energy for it, either, - so, next morning, I gear for a run.
- "How bad do you want it?". I'm yet to nail down what IT actually is
Being better than yesterday? Growing as a person?