I think my high school graduation is going to be my saddest and proudest moment of my life.

I grew up kinda smart (always did well on standardized tests and in reading programs), so school wasn't that much of a challenge for me for the longest time. I thought that would carry on throughout my life, but around middle school, I started to stumble. I started getting Cs and Ds around that time, which was pretty uncommon for me, and it marked a time of downward spiral.

There were many times in my high school life where I thought I wasn't going to graduate. I was at a point where I was trying to scrape by in advanced classes, which began to hurt more than help. I had many teachers sit me down and just basically ask, "What are you doing, man?" I really didn't know. I started falling deeper into my depression, where I thought about killing myself literally every single day. I didn't care about school at all, because I thought that it didn't matter since I was going to die anyway. I went from doing things to just kinda lounging around and sleeping all day. I had the time to do my work, but I just never did.

I hate being one of those "smart but lazy" people, but I feel like my current trajectory doesn't match the one I had laid out for me years ago. I thought I was going to actually amount to something. I thought I was going to accomplish a goal. Now, I'm just sitting here with my 3.444 GPA (3.0 unweighted), my acceptance to a halfway decent university close by, and complete lack of any interesting skills.

I feel like if things transpired differently, I would be in a better place. I don't point blame at some specific person or thing - only myself. If I could have only just dealt with my issues, instead of becoming enslaved by them, maybe I could have done something more with my life. Maybe if I wasn't so stupid, and valued sitting around on the internet or sleeping all day less than I did homework and studying, maybe I wouldn't basically be the benchmark of my classes. I just want to go back in time, find my freshmen or 8th grade self, smack him in the face and just say, "Do something. Just fucking do something. Don't be so fucking lazy."

My high school graduation is going to be the closing of a chapter. I can't sit there and say "Maybe tomorrow," or "Maybe next quarter," or "Maybe next year," because it's over. I don't have another chance to really fix all of my fuck ups, or at least try to rectify them with positive things; I just have to deal with it. I'm not going to be the kid in my class that's really smart and did something with his life; I'm going to be the kid that never turned in his work, barely passed the class, and barely graduated. Every time I hear someone say how few days we have left, I get reminded that I'm at the end.

Basically, I'm going to be proud of what I accomplished, but ashamed of how I barely got there.