Well done, I got a little shiver at the end. I liked the descriptions, they're very solid in this run and you clearly took your time to build out the world. Every place was a lot more tangible and the reality of the scene added a lot more gravity to the ultimate ending. There was also a lot more feeling in this one. When the dream was out there I could really feel how silly Berv felt for bringing it up and how secretly serious everyone took it. Well done. For improvement I would try two things - tackle conjunctions and pair actions with places. On the first point, don't be scared of short sentences. Things like "On his first day in Afghanistan, Julian had wanted to duck and cover at that siren, but now he knew it was an affirmation of life" might be more powerful as two sentences "On his first day in Afghanistan Julian had wanted to duck and cover at that siren. Now it was an affirmation of life." It separates the punches. The first is a feint, the second a haymaker. It won't work everywhere but it has a strong effect in certain places. You're already doing the second, but you might take it a bit farther. Pair a groggy morning thought with the shower, pair a fond memory with brushing teeth. You pair weight loss with the flight suit, but give me something else on the walk back to his room. This helps us move with Julian through the space and ties the area together. It's something I'm still working with in my own writing, so I'm sure how well it'll really land, but it could tackle the problem I always have - my stories can feel like dreams where people disappear from one place and appear in another, instead of feeling like they actually moved. ---- My new job is as "Training Coordinator". It's a position of my own design because, right now, everyone does best for their own department in terms of training. Some people do everything person to person, some require new hires to read SOPs for a week straight, and no two people know the same thing. We hire from within a lot and this makes for all kinds of headaches. About a year ago I just started organizing things. In that time three committees were born and died, making plans for what coordinated training would look like. About three months ago management saw what I made and decided to turn it into my full time position. It's the first time I "did the job I wanted" before I had it and it ended as, so far, a great success.
That's great about your job dude! The best part about making up your own job is that no one can give you the shitty excuse of "That's just how we've always done it!" What awesome critique! Here's background on the story. http://www.25af.af.mil/news/story.asp?id=123350435 I mixed two stories of mine. The first was that I had the prophetic dream, felt stupid bringing it up, but watched it nearly come true. I don't believe in metaphysics, but I know what happened that day and it is close. There is a pre-briefing safety checklist out there with my dream written on it, and I watched everyone try not to freak out when I said it. No one wants to believe it, but they know better than to dismiss it. I literally came to grips with my death that day, and when things from my dream started happening as we landed, I was very calm in a way that I haven't been since. The second story is the inspiration for Remains #10. Too Busy to Cry and what that article refers to. Julian Scholten was flying a mission in Djibouti on the same aircraft that I flew on a hundred (literally) times in Afghanistan. I was in Afghanistan at the time and I remember getting woken up in the middle of the night by the Intel commander because I was in charge of my intel squad down there. She told me to come with her to the SCIF (the top secret closet) because there had been an accident, and I thought it was going to be one of my guys. When I got there I watched the feeds coming in from the overhead aircraft in Africa. It was night when they crashed and there were dozens of infrared glow sticks all over the ground. One of the new guys asked what all of them were, and we all looked at him hatefully, because he should have known that's how they mark remains in a combat zone at night.
That's creepy as hell. Translates really well to a story though. And thanks, the other nice part is that no one can create crazy goals for me since no one really knows the best course of action better than me. At least until a manager convinces himself otherwise...