"The best way to get over an old woman is to get under a new one. These are absolute words of solid gold wisdom for the straight male in times of romantic turmoil. Passed down originally from the Greek philosophers of the ancient times directly to me and now you! And how dare you not act upon them?" Lauren was a little drunk by now, but at the expense of her dignity she was flamboyantly encouraging her newly divorced friend to sow his wild oats.
From her point of view the problem was simple. The body wants what the body wants and you should give it that. No bones about it. But for Matt there was an indomitable problem in that most of these women simply did not elicit any response from within for him. Some were not pretty enough, and those that were knew it too well. In the age of internet dating it had become so much easier to be shallow that attractive women had taken to it with wild enthusiasm. He had been asked for picture upon picture even though his profiles all had pictures already. He pitied the guys that had been dealing with it for the decade during his marriage, but not as much as he disliked being a part of it now.
"Look, for the past few weeks I've been on Tinder and I met one girl way too early who was just about perfect. She makes me laugh, I make her laugh, she's smart, successful. Fuckin' everything I would want in a girl for a long term relationship and she's not into me because my divorce was too recent for her. Not to mention that I'm not getting married again and I know that's what she's looking for. So even if she wanted to be with me, it wouldn't make any sense for me to shackle her down until she catches on. And these girls are just so not her that I don't even know how to talk with them. She's ruined me for other women."
Lauren made a pinching motion with her hands and moved her index finger across her thumb back and forth. "Are you going to cry about it? I can play you a sad song on my tiny violin. You're crazy, Matt. You need to dump that crazy in a condom somewhere wet and warm and move on with your life. Like the Greeks said."
"I don't remember the Greeks using condoms," Matt answered.
"I don't remember you being so much of a pussy before you were married. We my man, or at least you, are on a cruise for cooz. And as you are on my cooz cruise with me, you need to make some questionable decisions tonight. The first of which is Fireball or Jaeger?" She motioned to the bartender for two shots of Fireball.
"Oh fuck. You're going to make me have sex with a beautiful woman aren't you?" he asked as she handed him his shot. They knocked the small glasses together and drank.
As the fumes burned in her mouth Lauren pulled the corners of her lips back tight to her teeth and inhaled. "Hot damn! I'll tell you what. Any chick tells you she's not interested then you send her to me. One of two things happens. Either she's straight and I'll change her mind, or she's gay and at least one of us gets what we're here for. Now get out there!"
She slapped him on the ass and pushed him into the floor. Matt felt like an amateur who got mistakenly called up to the Majors and handed a bat. He put on his big boy face, smiled his big toothy smile, and said, "Fuck it."