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Have you ever read any Camus? I feel like you could really benefit from his book The Myth of Sysiphus if you're struggling to accept the inherent meaningless of life.
I want to be clear, I am not struggling to accept anything I've read more philosophy and psychology books than most post grad students trying to add bullet points to their resume. Camus, dada, surrealisms and absurdisms are all fine but never do anything because they are just ideas and ideas are cheap. There is a difference between knowing and understanding. - Feynman
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