I have precisely one fatal spill to my name.

My weapon of choice was Mountain Dew, and my victim was an ASUS Zenbook. Though, all things considered, I have to consider it an act of mercy. That thing was cursed.

The saga begins a few years ago. I had saved up enough for a new laptop to replace the Dell I've had since 2008. I wanted an ultrabook; something I could slip into a bag and not have it cut off circulation at my shoulder.

The pickings were slim as I was not living in the US and Amazon wasn't an option. I wanted an 11 inch i5 version of the Zenbook, but I couldn't find one. Well, I did, online. But what was delivered was an i3 and hastily returned. Weeks later, I was casually browsing a local tech store, and a sales rep approached. No, I wasn't seeing what I wanted; I wanted a Zenbook. The rep's face lit up. They had one solitary Zenbook out the back that had been returned.

It sounded too good to be true, but I was intrigued. I was so close to a legendary beast that until now had evaded me. The Zenbook they brought out was still sealed in shrinkwrap, but it wasn't 11 inch, it was a 13 inch model. I was disappointed, but then I realized it was a model that one could upgrade the RAM on. That and the discount for it being a return made it worthwhile.

Sold!

I bounced home with my new shiny toy, an SSD with which to replace the spinny disk, and an 8gb stick of RAM to take the machine to its capacity.

I gleefully peeled the plastic off the box and delved in to upgrade my precious. I unscrewed the bottom panel and peeled it off. It was so thin and not solid like the chassis I'd felt on the 11 inch model. And uh oh, what's this? The warranty sticker on the removable RAM module has been broken by a screwdriver...

Fuck!

There was nothing I could do now. It's my word against theirs, and after all, this is literally the only Zenbook I can find. I decide to grin and bear it.

That night, I notice the backlight peeking through a hairline crack in one of the keys, and sure enough the key is soon split fully. I promptly find a replacement key online for cheap. When it arrives a few weeks later, I carefully open the package and pull out... a (slightly less) split key.

Less than a year later, I pack everything up and move to the US. With all the rough and tumble of moving, something went gone wonky with the screen and it often didn't turn on. Adding to that, some of the number keys have stopped working reliably.

I vowed to run it in to the ground completely before replacing it, and so I attached a monitor and installed WoW on it. It coped, barely; I think I could have fried an egg on it.

Despite all this, I swear I didn't 'Dew it on purpose. But sometimes I wonder if I didn't subconsciously put it out of its misery.