Deepflows, I identify with a lot of what you are saying. I too struggle with depression. I too am angered by the way the logic of financial capitalism has invaded almost every facet of our lives. I don't have any answers; I'm struggling too. I am, however, a good bit younger than you. I'm going to university myself, not because I have a passion for study, but because that's what I have to do to get a job that pays a living wage outside of the service sector. I've looked for paths; I took last year off to work, travel, do my own kind of studying. I dabbled with the hitchhiker/couchsurfer siubculture, which appears liberating from outside, but the rhythms of which I found deeply alienating. I've settled back into the safe path; two more years and I'll have a bachelor's degree in Political Science, or maybe History, or some other social science. Then...? I don't know what next. The past of least resistance would seem to lead me to Washington D.C. to work in the non-profit sector. Maybe take on more debt to get a masters degree and try to make my way in the federal bureaucracy. My very Green sister-in-law visited last week; I joked maybe I'll end up as a lobbyist for Monsanto. I was only half joking. I don't see how to make a life for myself that is comfortable yet pure, in the sense we're talking about. And if I don't do it, if I don't become a lobbyist for Monsanto or work as a campaign consultant for a repulsive politician or write propaganda for the capitalist press, somebody will. By stepping aside, maybe I maintain some personal moral high ground. But what is that good for?
I don't really know what to tell you, but thanks for replying :) I'd love to say something like: "Well, see, that's the problem. If EVERYONE wouldn't follow that logic of >>someone else is going to do it if I don't<<, the world would be a better place." Except you are right. Someone else is going to do it. In fact, the majority of people is probably not going to see anything wrong with lobbying for Monsanto - and even if they do, they'll comfort themselves with their paycheck, thank you very much. Question is, are you that pragmatic? From experience, people who actively question the conditions they're living in, and especially people who possess the kind of sensitivity that makes them open to depression, are not terribly good at doing the wrong thing for the right price. I know I can't do it, and as I said, I tried. But maybe you can, or maybe (and most likely) you'll find a lesser evil that you'll be okay with. I don't think there's anything wrong with it either way.
I don't think I'm that pragmatic, as you put it. I think I'd just be more depressed. So I'm looking for something else to do. And I'm trying to rip that market logic out of me. I'm trying to get to a place where ending an introspective post like this with the phrase "but what is that good for?" feels out of place, irrelevant. I'm not there yet, but I think I'm on the path. Another thread on Hubski has gotten me considering taking next summer off from school to go backpacking through South America. A change of scenery should do some good. Learning a second language to fluency has to be useful. And I hear Chile, Uruguay, and the rest of that region has a vibrant anti-capitalist scene.