So... I'm home.
I'm very tired from all of today's worrying and running about, for multiple purposes. Still recoiling from the last few days, too. Thinking, figuring out. Several people have been very insightful into what I'm experiencing and what helpful with letting me figure out what am I to do now, and I'm grateful to every single one of you. I've learned a lot in these few days... I guess more's still to come.
But I'm still to tell you what's so special about being home.
I've managed to finish my summer exams session with an almost perfect score: only one exam out of four has the equivalent of a B. The process of preparation for the exam for one to take its toll, because for the first time in years, I caught a cold. Weak, it was, but it got me out of comission for a few days and made my last PhysEd run - 2.6 km or ~1.6 miles - a bit more challenging. Still, teachers noticed that I know my stuff and didn't interrogate me like they did some of the worse students.
The last few days I've been slowly preparing for the departure from Tomsk, the city where I was studying, to Kemerovo, where my family lives. Finally, the day came.
And... it felt odd. A mix of things. I was excited about coming home. I don't particularly like the place, but I was awaiting the departure eagerly. I forgot how truly bickerful my parents are and how terrified my mother is of the world (leading her to mildly distrust everything and everyone) - and both of these take a toll on me. The circumstances of my life have certainly changed for the next two and a bit months, but I can't peg it either extreme with certainty. Overall, however... I guess I'm glad, though I can't point out the reason yet.
I have so many things on my mind right now. A lot has happened to me today, and I can hardly begin to describe even one of the things.
My mother came into my Tomsk apartment with her typical passive-conflictive critique of things she doesn't find appealing in my life. I did not miss that, tell you this much. Still, in a year... I think I grew out of taking it to heart, especially since I learned about what makes a narcissist what they are (google that on your own, but I'll give you a hint: Psychology Today was of great assistance) and grew a spine enough to have some foundation of self-respect. I can take that for a couple of months if it gets me another ten of living on my own.
The landlady of the apartment I used to rent - a sixty-something woman - still believes it to be fine to treat me like a child. Sure, I'm thrice younger than her, and sure, I was a cause of a trouble for her (I inadvertantly flooded the apartment below because of a leak I didn't know about), but for an adult that I am, that's not good enough. Not particularly nurturing. But I'm not to complain: I know I can do better at being and showing myself to be a responsible person; I just need some time.
After the car was packed - and boy, have we packed it till it was full - we visited a sacred spring an hour away from home. I'm not a religious person, but I enjoyed it from a personal perspective: it was clean water - both visually and taste-wise - pouring from underneath the earth. It had a separate well where one can take a dip - it's supposed to cleanse you of your sins as well as your diseases because it was very cold. Something clicked in me after my father took a dip - not for religious reasons, either - and I decided "You know what? I'm gonna do it". So I did. Felt truly like cleansing: any sleepiness or boredom I might have had was gone, and I was feeling way stronger and more elated. I wonder if I can replicate that in any way. Cold showers in the morning don't give near such an effect, as good as they are.
Also, we don't often look at the clouds, do we? They can be just magnificent.
Gonna stop there because I'm getting too tired to produce meaningful commentary. Shit's tough, but it gets better as I work on it. Special shout-out to kleinbl00, whose commentary on having to work harder makes me do just that, empowering as it is. Fuck you, dude. Keep dishing out the good stuff.