Last night I checked my bank and my social security disability payment that I depend on to pay for the basic essentials of life was pending.

When I checked today it had deposited. Relief, and then immediate worry again, because this is no longer a certain thing.

I have a private long term disability policy from my former employer that still pays for my health insurance, and a bare percentage towards a retirement account I likely won't live to cash out. As part of the terms of accepting this private LTD policy, I had to apply for SSDI. In theory, this plan is responsible for paying me 60% of my paycheck when I was taken off work, less the contributions from SSDI. IN THEORY, this means that if SSDI no longer exists, the private LTD company has to pick up the slack.

In theory.

If SSDI gets cut as is being promised/threatened, I don't expect to keep my home. If I don't keep my home, my likelihood of ever qualifying for a transplant (Assuming we are still capable of doing them in the future, and our necessary medical personnel survive the coming preventable plagues, resurgence of polio, measles, mumps, rubella, etc) is near zero. People get disqualified for all kinds of reasons only tangentially related to their biological fitness for the transplant procedure itself.

I will go dark if this happens, and no one I currently know will ever see me again. The thing I will have to become to survive is incompatible with how I exist now. Assuming I continue to be convinced that long term survival is preferable to the alternatives.

I recently qualified for participation in a research study into a new drug that actually has a snowballs chance in hell in helping me. This drug is not produced in the United States and I don't expect us to be able to produce it in the near future, given that the patents et al are the fruits of collaborative international research. I am going to have to decline to participate because I am deeply afraid of starting an investigational drug with cardiac remodeling effects when it's supply is at best, tenuous.

I am glad that Elon was rebuffed from purchasing one judge in one state. We won't be that fortunate going forward I expect. Once you own the Presidency what's one more rigged / purchased election? They already probably quietly killed two Biden appointees, what's a few more dead libs when people are heartbroken over vandalized cars but not the illegal detention and international deportation of actual US citizens?

We survived last time, some of us anyway. What will be left in 2028? When the very idea of coequal branches of government is derided as 'woke nonsense?'

Edit for clarity of tone*

I am not defeated, at least not mostly. I am wrathful to a degree I didn't know I was capable of. If my time here is limited, and extra limited because of the actions of the billionaire class, I will not go quietly into that long night.