I've told this to multiple people but still can't work out an emotionally tolerable handle on the situation.

I am only alive because the very rare and life saving open heart procedure I had as an 11 year old was paid for by a program called Children's Special Healthcare of Michigan. As child/ adolescent would be star of the GOP, I argued against socialized medicine on the basis of 'cost' while my own family would have been at best, bankrupted and homeless trying to pay for my procedure, or I would have died in an emergency room of a preventable infarction.

For the entirety of my life, when this program has come up for reconsideration for funding in the Michigan legislature, Michigan Republicans have voted to try to defund it. They don't campaign on it because it would sound ugly, but candidates my parents voted for, supported removing the program that saved my life. They still do.

I have wept salt tears several times since the election because this program and others like it are not likely to survive the coming purges. The number of preventable deaths among a community I am deeply connected to is going to rise and I feel helpless to do anything about it. Particularly because among the parents of sick children, there are still republicans arguing that they SHOULD be bankrupted by their children's medical expenses. That their child SHOULD die if they can't afford to pay for a life saving surgery or medication. I don't know how to deal with this. I've deeply offended several people I've known almost the entirety of my life for being rude to people who say their own child's healthcare should be paid for but not those people's kids because they are brown. For being rude to antivaxxers who are trying to spread their misinformation in a community that is protected from dangerous infections BY vaccines and masking precautions.

I'm heartsick, and grieving already.

My new therapist who I had only seen a handful of times was recently put on life support and is expected to pass away soon if she hasn't already, I haven't heard an update in a over a week.

My disability got renewed again without fuss, which is good. Been fighting with the spouse which is bad. Going to couples therapy which is good.

I fucking hate this time of year. If I could just be put into a chemically induced coma until December 26th I'd go full jordan peterson russian detox in a heartbeat.