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oyster  ·  166 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: May 9, 2018

I'm currently in state of wondering what to do next which is weird for me because I normally just throw myself into something I deem to be my next thing by carefully crafting a web of reasons for why I should be doing it while really feeling like I'm floating over some cavern running out of ways to get to the other side. I put in the work to understand how I got where I am and what makes me tick. I devoted time to healing old wounds and changing how I treat myself. Looking back helped me better understand myself but lately my brain keeps switching to wondering what's next or where I go from here which I imagine is a good thing.

I've realized lately that the things I'm good at and interested in are also the things I was lead away from

and discouraged from trying when I was growing up. The things that I failed over and over again to incorporate into my personality reflected what others wanted of me even though I felt for so long that it's what I wanted. Two years ago when I tried to make a list of things I liked vs. disliked I found I struggled because I couldn't figure out who's voice was pushing me in either direction. Now that my voice has grown louder than the others I'm excited, but I don't know where we go next.

The original plan was Uni in the fall but I've been stuck on the second part of the application essay and I think I need to do more living before I can answer their questions. The first part was all about why my grades didn't reflect my potential and essentially what held me back. Given I just spent years figuring that out myself that was pretty easy to answer. The next part was about what I had done to ensure my future studies will be different and why I wanted to do this program. I really couldn't answer it. I had spent a lot of time looking back, but I had yet to take things forward. In all honesty I've barely done anything, I haven't worked with anybody on my dyslexia ever, I still have ADD and anxiety that I've also not got under control and I don't know what motivates me. That's my biggest one because the other things are roadblocks that I can get over if I know why I'm doing it. The traditional school system isn't designed for me but I can get through it if I know it will enable me to have a positive impact on the world.

SO shiny new plan is part time at the college in my hometown. I've signed up for distance courses in psychology while I'm away but once I move back I don't know. I think I'll take the small engine and welding courses while I finished up the on-campus psych courses. There's an art school as well and I think I would like to take a few classes there. It will help me decide if pursuing psychology at Uni will be worth the time/money and I can take some time to get to know myself at the same time.

In the meantime I'm just happy the snow has mostly melted and I'll be able to hit the trails soon.