Something clicked in me after my father took a dip - not for religious reasons, either - and I decided "You know what? I'm gonna do it". So I did. Felt truly like cleansing...

When I lived in Budapest, my friends and I would meet at a Turkish bath house every Saturday morning, and soak in the mineral waters. We would chat quietly in the ancient rooms (built in the 1500's), enjoy the varying waters from 16-42 C, and then go have lunch together.

I know that feeling of plunging into the cold pool. Drawing your head under water, and all of your skin lighting up like electricity. And the feeling of elation after you get out. It is invigorating and life-affirming. The mineral waters are also supposed to make you healthier. I don't know if they do that or not, but I sure felt good!

I also found that it was important to close out my work week with some sort of ritual. Going to the baths was a physical cleansing, yes, but it was also a mental cleansing. A clearing of the head of the stresses of the week, and an opening of the heart and mind towards the weekend.

Humans are animals with some built in programming that we need to respect. Humans seek rituals. And modern life has little respect for these rituals.

Maybe some of what you experienced in the water was that human/animal connection to some form of ritual.

Affixing a physical manifestation to the ritual - going to the bath house on Saturday, or running 5k, or yoga, or making your morning tea in a specific way - might help you find that inner calm you are seeking. When we are involved in these rituals, our muscles remember what to do, and do it automatically eventually. That frees our mind to wander and explore and think about things that we may not think about otherwise. This is another important result from observing some sort of ritual.

Congratulations on your exams, and finding peace with letting your mother be herself (and not making her narcissism about you). Have a lovely summer away from school!