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It sounds like things are pretty rough, maybe you want to write about it? I'll read it and respond if you do. I've found in my own life that guilt or punishment rarely ever helps me accomplish things I want to do in life. It's much better to lean on support systems (friends, hobbies, etc) they are there to help you through. Also, I am sure you've accomplished a lot more than you're mind is willing to admit. Try to dig deep. We all are on this crazy rock together don't be afraid to ask for a hand.