I started my new job on Tuesday. So far, it's going well, in that they don't have much work for me yet and I don't know if I'm going to be traveling next week or in the future, but it's a very real possibility. Everyone is very positive about me joining the team which is great, although I rather feel that I may not live up to all these expectations (but damn it, I can try).

A new coworker said to me today something very important which I have needed to hear: "Do not strive for perfection. Perfection is an end state and it stagnates. What you need is creativity and a willingness to make and learn from your mistakes." I'm sure she didn't realize how badly I needed to hear it.

Honestly, I have been struggling interpersonally for a while. Maybe not interpersonally, I mean "struggling with myself." It's no lie that I have some incorrect, negative self-perceptions that sometimes get in the way of how I feel about myself. Unfortunately, repeated efforts to fix these perceptions over the years have mostly not yielded anything except learning how to deal with these perceptions in a healthy, constructive manner - which, go me, I have been doing lately as the perceptions have begun rearing their heads somewhat more intensely than normal. However, it's frustrating, because it does seem like I'm going to have to deal with these feelings for the foreseeable future, and all I can do is cope. It would be a lot nicer if I could eradicate them. But I don't know how - and years of therapy have helped, as corrective measures, but they haven't cured anything.

I went on a date with this exboyfriend last night. (Forget about the bartender; it's established he doesn't like me, and really that's okay.) This relationship ended because we got into a fight and both became stubborn assholes. If you can tell from the post though, I was - and remain - quite fond of him.

What was nice about the date, or really just getting together with this person, was that I felt I could tell him that I had been struggling, a little bit, lately. This is a person who I feel I can be honest with and say important/necessary things to. I think that's very important. He was supportive. He knows that my issues are mine and can't really be shared and certainly can't be cured by others' actions but it was good to confide in someone who, it felt like, could understand.

It also felt wonderful to be with and around someone who truly cared about me on a non-platonic level. It felt wonderful to hug someone deeply, someone who I have known and fucked and, yes, loved, and feel, in a way, those same emotions on some level mirrored back at me. It felt like respite.

I don't want any of my Hubski family to worry about me, so please know that I am doing fine - really, just more untowardly negative about myself and my future and potential accomplishments than normal and is warranted. I am not in danger and I am not putting myself at harm. I am aware, mostly, that these thoughts are fallacious.

The boy and I are going to see each other again. I want to take things day by day. I care about him deeply. I am not usually a very romantic person but he is one of the very few people I have ever been with that I am comfortable feeling romantic with. I am working to keep my sights onwards and upwards -

per aspera ad astra, my friends.