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OftenBen  ·  3493 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: I Don't Want to be Cynical

    I'm just accepting that a human only has so much energy, and so much mental capacity to concentrate on the things that matter.

This is the part that I struggle with. In my own mind I'm some sort of superman who has the mental energy/ emotional capacity to mourn (And then attempt to fix) everything. It almost feels selfish sometimes to just pick those things that I would call 'close to my heart.' I mean, the career that I'm pursuing is the issue that I care most about that I think I can make an actual difference doing, but it very rarely feels like enough.

Also, when I wrote this yesterday, I was having a pretty shitty day coming out of a not stellar weekend. When I'm feeling down all the little mental stuff I swear that I have beaten back comes surging up at once and it can feel overwhelming. The cool part, and the big difference between now and say, a year or two ago when I was at my psychological nadir, is that now, I can recognize a bad mood early, I recognize an unhealthy impulse early, and know that I can control it, the sooner I recognize it, the easier it is to manage. Like yesterday, it sucked, I got home, talked about it, had a beer(Instead of 6 beers), watched Jurassic Park and went to bed. I DIDN'T beat myself up for not handling things perfectly, for making mistakes. Which again, is pretty neat. And I think I've done a pretty good job so far of not letting a shitty start to the week ruin the whole week.