I hate that we have to consider there to be a "power struggle" in the first place. I mean, yeah, there's a system of giving and taking and gestures that are offered and then reciprocated. But perceiving not only power, but a struggle for that power just seems to create arbitrary competition over something that no one can win anyway.

If refugee ceased to think of herself as having more or less power and just thought of conversation as pleasant and natural interaction between two human beings, the hard and fast rules about who should do what wouldn't be necessary. Yeah, it makes sense to not want to feel vulnerable, but the existence of the rule is in itself the source of so much disappointment that i don't think it's worth having (in my personal experiences as least). I would rather accept vulnerability as a necessary element to a successful relationship than something i should try to protect myself from. For me, that is the core of all intimacy... my choice to become vulnerable is the best way i know to express my interest in someone. So, to answer the question of how i protect my heart: poorly! But the fact that i'm in a happy, stable relationship makes me think that i've done something right.

I concede that you and kb undoubtedly know more about all this than i do. It's entirely likely that i sound totally naive, but oh well. I noticed that kb said people who acknowledge the power struggle are more equipped to cope with it, but i wholeheartedly believe that the struggle only exists if you want it to. Speaking as a paralegal for a divorce attorney (if that even counts for anything), i've observed that it's entirely possible to have an equitable, fulfilling relationship without keeping score. Doing so doesn't make the relationship function any better, it just makes the value of the intimacy worse. Although which option is more healthy in the long run i can't say for sure.

kb and plenty other people would probably consider my romantic endeavors clumsy. And they're probably all right. But i would much rather be clumsy and happy than careful and upset.