I was a very atheistic person, tryting to be absolutely logical and rational. I used to read lots of books on it though, like J Krishnamurthy and Osho and so on. Then once I did mushrooms and had an ego death but didnt really understand what happened.

Then after some time, Im not sure how but I was watching a movie and it really clicked for me, esp because of the character in the movie, about how life is more than about being cold and rational and along with that, in a few weeks, lots of huge changes happened in my life all at the same time, like relationship problems and leaving college and such which really sealed it for me and I was walking around like I was enlightened for a long time. I did mushrooms again and had the ego death again and understood what was going on a lot.

I turn off the spiritual feeling alot, when I have to be get work done and such. It helps to feel ambitious and cold then. And routines really affect it sometimes and being around people that make you miserable sometimes makes you forget it, that you can be happy all the time and your happines is all in your own hands. But yes, I can turn it on too, its like something I can access when ever I need it. And I find that helping others make me feel it stronger. Its when I feel jealousy and envy that I really need it though. It helps me pass over those feelings without getting caught in it. Its like spirituality is a tool I can use and access whenever I need. The biggest change is the feeling of love and compassion. Im not sure if its becaue Im used to being really cold or something but I find romantic love and compassion coming to the same thing and compassion is something I enjoy more now. And all the religions make sense, compassion isnt something thats considered good because it helps everyone as a whole or takes us to heaven but because its good of us. It makes us stronger spiritually. Even when Im feeling my worst and disconnected, I just have to do something to help others or try to be compassionate to get back to where I was, happy and blissful. So in a sense, Im being selfish when being compassionate but Im not doing it for some imaginary man in the sky.

Every now and then something still clicks for me though. Its easier understanding stuff now because I just need to focus on what makes me feel the spiritual energy stronger to know what works and what doesnt. Im finding out that religions or superstitions or god or a little belief in magic of somekind is actually good for us. It doesnt have to be god, but it has to be sacred. Im not sure yet but I think its the sacredness that really gets to us.