ON behalf of this old ass-mother fucker, thank you young people for killing this shit show of a restaurant chain.
I think maybe youngsters broke up with you first.... and you're just now figuring out that they never really considered themselves in a relationship with you in the first place... They've always been seeing other people... cooler, more attractive, less crazy, other people...
- Applebee's has given up on millennials.
This is like Sebastian Gorka saying he's resigned from the White House.
- "Over the past few years, the brand's set out to reposition or reinvent Applebee's as a modern bar and grill in overt pursuit of a more youthful and affluent demographic with a more independent or even sophisticated dining mindset, including a clear pendulum swing towards millennials," John Cywinski, Applebee's brand president, said in a recent call with investors.
I am unconvinced that John Cywinski has been inside an Applebee's.
No, wait. That was uncharitable. They added more TVs. They took away most signs that weren't neon. And they put up these super-bitchin' awnings.
I mean, shit. They changed the font.
They also put these retarded little computer screen things on there that you can, like, play games on, I guess, like video poker back in the '90s, and also run your credit card and stuff so that , I don't know, you can give them your money quicker without having to interact with their wait staff? Which means now your two-top has ketchup, mustard, salt, pepper, a fuckin' stick-mounted 18-page drink menu, a specials-on-a-stick display and a fuckin' iPad of uselessness. Maybe that's what they thought would appeal to "millennials." Fonts and iPads.
Which is why the "millennials" like to hang out at the fuckin' VFW, right?
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There's no way you run Applebee's and look at Chipotle and not figure out how to make money off young adults. You increase the available light, you focus on fresh, quality ingredients, you craft flavorful meals with ample customization and you make it easy to get in, easy to get out, and reasonably pleasant to hang out at.
But then you come to grips with the fact that your locations are bunkers, your entire supply chain is arranged around frozen food and deep fryers, and you acknowledge the fact that your profits come from selling sugary alcohol at preposterous markup and you blame those meddling kids.
- Moving foward, Cywinski said that Applebee's will turn its focus away from millennials. Instead, it will market more to "routine traditionalists" who actually enjoy casual dining chains and have favorite menu items, as well as "value seekers" who are looking for deals at sit-down restaurants.
This is awesome. Wanna see dinner?
Fourteen bucks. Casual dining. Sit-down restaurant. Shit is cold in the middle. Goddamn delicious. And Applebee's is no more capable of producing that caliber of sandwich than I am of dunking.
This is no less than Applebee's acknowledging the end is nigh without acknowledging the end is nigh.