As an anarchist atheist polyamorist, I'm opposed to the state, religious, and social aspects of marriage. So all of it. That's all well and good, but why should the state have a hand in it? I suppose its current use is mostly for tax purposes, insurance coverage, power of attorney, inheritance, and all that, but there are plenty of much more flexible ways to handle those questions, and there's no reason they should be tied to a religious institution. Definitely. I speculate that if the institution that enforces & embodies all that restraint were struck down, it would be easier for people to escape.Against marriage in what sense?
On the other hand, I'm for people choosing to dedicate themselves to each other in the interest of creating a richer life experience for themselves.
I don't think that it's right or necessarily good that people are expected to marry in order to find that kind of fulfillment though.
If you were trying to sway someone to consider an alternative way of dealing with insurance, inheritance, power of attorney, etc. what would you propose? I certainly see some of the shortcomings of monogamy and if I'm honest, I have played several hands at once, though I don't think that counts as polyamory. I have friends that experimented with polyamory (I don't know if they still . . . is "practice" the the right word?) and one thing that seemed to come up was jealousy, which I can understand. From your perspective and experience with polyamory, how does a person deal with it?I suppose its current use is mostly for tax purposes, insurance coverage, power of attorney, inheritance, and all that, but there are plenty of much more flexible ways to handle those questions, and there's no reason they should be tied to a religious institution.
I'm a polyamorist so not really down with monogamy anyways.
For health insurance, well, the policy can have its own procedure to add new covered members, like car insurance does now. Power of attorney already has its own mechanisms for transmission. For inheritance you can write a will, of course. Spousal transfer is just the default, and there's usually no confusion even in weird situations like common law marriage. In many cases there are children with obvious partial claims. Married people shouldn't get tax breaks, if anything multiple-wage-earning households should have higher taxes, and tax breaks should be based on the number of non-income-generating people in the household. "Don't be jealous" is the optimal solution. I guess that's not very helpful but it really is the best course of action. It helps if you have good personal relations with the other partner(s). Healthy poly relationships depend heavily on openness, communication, and mutual support, just like any other relationship.If you were trying to sway someone to consider an alternative way of dealing with insurance, inheritance, power of attorney, etc. what would you propose?
one thing that seemed to come up was jealousy, which I can understand. From your perspective and experience with polyamory, how does a person deal with it?
As someone who has dabbled in polyamory: I think learning how to get rid of jealousy is a process, but a very doable one (people are off-put by how little I care about previous partners, for instance - my roommate and some of the people I date don't seem to understand it). The funny thing is I am now much less jealous/made insecure by other dates/previous partners (I am not actively practicing polyamory and can't confess I'm very interested in doing so at this time) than I was when I was in a polyamorous relationship, or at least when I started being in one (the relationship spanned about 2 years). I think it helps to date a ton of people and potentially a ton of people at once, and by "date" I do mean the very casual "seeing someone" as opposed to "have any sort of committment" with them. I think if you start with that framework, of "I don't expect them to have any commitment to me nor I to them" and you start to understand the really enjoyable aspects of that framework, and understand that until there is an established agreement to monogamy there is no expectation and indeed no right to expectation or offense if either date-r is non-monogamous, then it sets you up better for a relationship where you can continue to hold onto those values. Polyamory doesn't really interest me for other reasons, but I'll tell ya what - not being jealous always interests me. I don't consider jealousy an attractive trait, and minimizing it in my own life is definitely something I'm glad about. Other people look at you askance though. My own roommate has tried to make me feel guilty for seeing multiple people at once. She doesn't understand that until you have a discussion about monogamy there can't possibly be any expectation that either party is monogamous. Then again she's also ragingly insecure, so... (From my limited, anecdotal experience, people who are ragingly insecure seem to believe you should just kind of 'be monogamous' from the start if you start seeing someone you are interested in. I'm like "All your eggs in one basket, does that sound like a familiar idiom to you? one that doesn't usually end well?" )"Don't be jealous" is the optimal solution. I guess that's not very helpful but it really is the best course of action.
Oh, I wouldn't blame her insecurity. There are plenty of ragingly insecure poly people. And I might be reading you wrong but it seems you've portrayed or at least insinuated that polyamory and commitment are mutually exclusive. I disagree. It's definitely possible to have strong commitments that don't include exclusivity. A current relationship I'm in has a stronger emotional connection and more clearly defined commitment than any relationship I've been in previously, including the monogamous ones, and I honestly feel it's because we're trying to act the way that polyamory idealizes, and not just sexually.
I didn't mean to imply that, more that I found it easier to learn how to manage jealousy when starting on a less committed track. I now think I can carry those skills over into a relationship, if I want. It was compared to my earlier approach of essentially jumping into a committed relationship with no practice at non-monogamy and not being jealous. I view casual dating as a great way to try - to dabble at - polyamory and practice shedding jealousy. As opposed to starting out with something that feels very intense and serious and having that be your first go at not being jealous and/or practicing polyamory.