We understood that the other person was not there to make us happy. We are responsible for our own happiness and we are also interested in and committed to contributing to the other person's happiness -- but as I learned, I can't just be a candle in a dark place if the darkness can't perceive light.

Yeahhh that's really true. Already, we've gotten a taste of that. It's actually incredibly hard to make somebody happy. Maybe it's about creating an environment for happiness to be possible. Which what does that entail? So far, I think having an unshakable interest in each other, acceptance, a generosity. And then having goals and challenges to work together to accomplish, goals that will hopefully allow for further personal growth and happiness.

Absolutely, luckily the "culture" is constantly changing and, while marriage used to be a form of slavery, it seems to be becoming (in some cultures) an egalitarian institution with many attempting it "in order to form a more perfect union" as Americans like to say.

Hmm yeah, that's true. I was incredibly lucky too that I grew up with ultra-competent modern egalitarian parents. In many ways, that's what I aspire to be. On the other hand, my wife's dad died before she could get to know him and grew up with a power-mom raising four kids single handedly. She has a very romantic sensibility, but not in any old-fashioned domesticated sense.

Practice makes perfect.

I cringe thinking about how crappy I was at it with my first girlfriend!