I've been in love a couple times in my life. After my first long term relationship ended as a youth, I went through a long period of many years where I think there was a severe power imbalance in every relationship I had. I was really happy, but just not as engaged as my SO. Time and time again I'd date, then something would happen where I would lose interest (sometimes for good reason, sometimes for reasons I didn't entirely grasp).

The ending was always the same though, -I would end it, usually months later than I should have. In every case my SO was devastated. I almost can't describe it with words. I want to say that over-the-top is the understatement of the year, but that isn't accurate and it really belittles the legitimacy of their grief. It was just like a massive tsunami of pain that I created rising from the other person and slamming right into me. I felt horrible every time, but I knew it was nothing compared to their grief.

So this kept happening. It got to the point where I seriously was beginning to wonder if I was fucked up. I had a number theories ranging from a fear of commitment to possible insecurities that made me sub-conciously choose only girls who would be on the powerless end of an unbalanced relationship. Countless theories that weren't doing me any good...at the end of the day I still could not find a girl that I needed as much as she needed me (p.s. years later I diagnosed myself as a "fixer" which explains a lot).

Of course, then it happened. Of course I had no say in the matter. Of course she was into me...just not as much as I was into her. I was fucking powerless. I had never felt so completely at another person's mercy as at that time in my life. I had never felt more happiness from just a cocky smile from across a room, nor more pain from...well, there are too many scenarios there to list. And it unraveled slowly and messily and gave me the best and worst times of my life to that point on its way down. Mostly the worst though. And I had no idea just how far down could go. Farther than I thought, at any rate.

I clearly remember near the end, lying on my kitchen floor, sobbing in the fetal position, thinking "So this is it. This is what it feels like." And in that moment a kind of thankfulness and joy washed over me and mixed with the pain that certainly wasn't going anywhere. I remember saying "Ok, thank you." still curled up. I knew in that moment I was capable of love, engagement, presence, putting myself out on a limb, emotional involvement, and all of the other things that I had feared were absent or muted in me.

So that was just a tiny contrarian slice of what love has felt like for me in the past. Love can feel wonderful, but when it isn't returned, it can be devastating. Even so, to this day I appreciate her for absolutely destroying me and making me see that there are people out there for me at the same time. I was scared that I wasn't capable of really putting myself out on a limb emotionally to the extent that a healthy vibrant relationship requires. I guess to sum it up, love felt illuminating, merciless, intoxicating and indifferent at least once for me, but most importantly, it was there.

P.S. I've had awesome happy good love for years now with my fiancé who needed no 'fixing,' -I'll leave it to others to expound on the virtues of the good stuff ;)