Yer gonna fuck up. Yer gonna slip. Maybe you have decided to never eat ice cream again. Well, one day you WILL eat it, and your internal dialog is going to be, "Fuck. I haven't changed. I'm just the same asshole I always was, and I have failed to change, and blah blah blah..."

Here's the thing.

Remember how I said I'm not gonna drink any more soda? Well, I haven't drank a soda bottle, but I've been skirting the definition with the energy drink I used lately. You'd think I'd be punishing myself for it because I'm consciously nearing breaking my oath, but...

I don't feel about myself for doing so. I know what I'm doing, and I remember the reason I came off soda in the first place. I need the energy boost right now because in the situation I'm in, that's the drug that would get me through. As soon as I'm done with the exams, I'm not drinking any more energy drinks - and next time, I'll set it up so I won't need to skirt the oath again.

It used to be something personal, these oaths and self-definitions. It isn't anymore. For one reason or another, it's not as about me - not as damaging to the ego - as it used to be. I'm fine with that.

Sure, it's an elaborate self-deception of "fake it til you make it"

No, it's not: it's a shift in perspective, no lying to oneself included. There's no changing in a closed system, but if you put your view above it, there's more room to go - and more to grow. I appreciate you sharing the idea; I found it very interesting.

Thank you for sharing it - as well as for the good wishes.