I'm still using soda to avoid the caffeine headache, and should just give it up along with smoking. None of my usual excuses hold up because I'm currently unemployed and have nothing but free time. In my head I'm thinking "Fuck it! We'll do it live" and drop them both right now. Doubt sinks in, I get hostile to those around me, and in a few days I'm chugging coffee and chain-vaping. That's how it usually goes, time and time again.

I always wondered where the withdrawal anger was coming from, and just within the last few weeks I think I found the answer to that through comedian Bill Burr on his podcast. When your the type of person that primary relies on your brain to survive in the world, when that mechanism isn't functioning at 100% you feel extremely vulnerable, and that sounds like a reasonable answer to me. Maybe, having gained that knowledge, why not make another go of it?

I managed to win over cocaine, opioids, and alcohol in my turbulent PTSD driven 20's. A combination of pot and psilocybin saved my life, and really mellowed me out once I hit my 30's. The opioid epidemic claimed my mother, and I now have more dead friends than living ones. Even if it's down to caffein and nicotine, I'm striving to be free of all addictions down to pot and video games, and stick to long walks and meditation.

I'm hoping that sharing all that in a somewhat public place will give me that extra nudge to give it a try. I think my signing up here, was to see if I could let my guard down and be vulnerable around others. If that holds up, maybe I can quit smoking without being an absolute dick to those around me. I feel a sense of shame posting this, but logically if this in some way leads to dropping another addiction - it would be stupid not to follow through.

Congrats to everyone here who managed to quit anything at all. It's a human skill some take for granted, and I marvel at anyone who can pull it off.