I can't really offer any advice but I think I can empathise with some of your feelings - feeling like a robot, a waste of space, a half-crippled life form that can't live properly. For what it's worth, you're not alone.

Seeking professional medical help is a tricky one. Generally speaking it seems like a good idea, but I've found people who suggest it often don't take the financial side into account. I mean, they're absolutely right when they say your mental health isn't something you can afford to cheap out on, but sometimes it's not something you can afford full stop. And to be honest I'm very wary of the ease with with medication is handed out. I don't know. Anyway your distrust of Russian therapists is another layer.

And I'll be moving on, like a good soldier that I am, even if I don't know why or what for.

Yeah, that's the thing. The resounding "What's the point?" that's with you right until your eyes shut at night. It sucks, is all I can say.

I'd tell you to try not to be so hard on yourself, but I've heard that a lot and I find it indigestible.

I'm so hung up on looking for approval that it's unlikely I will ever be a good person, a good friend... or, shit, a good parent. I'm a useless human being of no positive product to the world or any particular person. There's no reason for me to stick around.

"I'm a useless person..." No, you're not a useless person. You feel like a useless person, and that's different. Not a great deal better, but still not the same thing. It sounds like a mushy platitude, but probably everyone other than, say, serial child molesters are loved. Probably even they are loved by someone. And I don't need to tell you that you're way, way higher on the invisible cosmic scale than people like that.

Firstly, you probably do add something of worth to the world, even if you don't feel like you do. And secondly, mostly an extension of that, most people don't add anything to the world. Not in a tangible, "positive product" sense. They just are. And that's how they add to the world.

Hang on in there, dude. If I find a cure, I'll let you know.