Three things bother me.

First: I'm not happy with my life. I've been honest with myself since the New Year and came to this conclusion as well as to the reason for it: I don't put in effort to improve my life because I'm terrified of change and, perhaps particularly, of change for the better. That's how I was raised, and it's hard to shake off without constant support from within and from without. One step I made to improve my life overall was to stop pretending that I'm fine when I'm not; yesterday, I channeled my emotions straight for the first time, without wallowing in the sorrow. An interesting result of this is that along the line I became more healthily-selfish (that is, more caring for myself while giving less of myself to others - this much I reserve for when truly needed). Another is that I've received sincere sympathy from a former groupmate of mine, which, overall, I don't get a lot.

Second: the groupmate I've mentioned is a girl I've been interested in since October. We've been friendly pals since, and she was the one to provide sympathy whenever I'd felt terrible, but she'd rather hang out with her group and the friends she's made in the dorm, and when I ask her out, she always says she's busy or "maybe later". I don't know how to react to that. It feels like she's not that interested in me but can't bring herself to say "no". And yet, she provides compassion. I don't get it, and it bothers me to hang in between two places.

Third: I get very little interest from people around me in general. I don't mean to sound pitiful, but it bothers me that I don't understand the reason behind it. I'm doing my best to be kind, thoughtful and compassionate, and while the result is not perfect, I think I'm doing fine. Then again, I made it a habit unintentionally to subtly point out others' inadequacies as some sort of ego defence, but people didn't give a shit about my presence even before that, so that doesn't add up. Am I acting overly defensive, thus putting people off? Am I just boring? Am I too invested into others to begin with? I feel like I could very much use "other people"-time, and I feel like without it, I'm slowly falling apart as a person, so it feels right to desire others' company.

In other news, I now get to wear a badass-looking bandage patch over the torn skin that I got from falling onto an icy staircase. It looks so badass with a white shirt and black tie combo that I'm thinking of replacing it with a more casual accessory once skin heals, like a regular band.

Oh, and _refugee_: I've decided against wearing vests. They look sharp with a jacket, but I prefer to rock a more casual style - I believe it's called "smart casual".