I told a teacher of mine - a university teacher, that is - how much was she full of shit. Left her classes. Best thing I did so far.

Here's the backstory. When I started this year, I was in the group 501. A month later, due to the obvious imbalance of skill - I study English linguistics - between me and my peers, I transferred to the group 502, which had (mostly) its own set of teachers. One of them - the English grammar one - is a bitch, though I'd lie if I say I've never seen anyone like her. She's selfish and painfully insecure, which represented itself as her lashing out at us in the subtle yet painful for the smallest imperfection in the class.

By the time I've met the teacher, I've had already quite enough of the bullshit. I grew up with it, my first girlfriend sunk me into it head-first, my first good friend was working me about that for long enough... After all that I managed to grow up emotionally thanks to all the time I had to spend on my own, in my own hands in a different city.

At first, though, I decided to not go to her lessons since I didn't feel like I have the strength to confront her. At about the same time I started reading Vladimir Pozner's Parting with Illusions where he speaks his mind on a lot of things, and the way he says what he thinks - even if it's not all well thought out, true or wise - made an impression on me. I've always wanted to live like that, and I guess something clicked in me at some point. I realized that by doing nothing - nothing, that is, that I find worthy or right - I make myself into nothing, the nothing I came to be so tired of people manipulating all the time for their own selfish causes. So, I decided to speak my mind at the lesson, in front of the whole class.

I was, at the same time, very afraid of doing it - I had a rush of fear right before starting to talk, and it felt like my legs might have let go if I'd let it - and wanting to do it - it felt right. One thing that kept me going through the rant was my groupmate - a girl who seems to click with me on a friendly level - smiling as she heard me speak (which the teacher could not have seen, so it was only directed at me). I didn't manage to speak my mind fully at the rant because I was still pressured by the teacher's defensive maneuvers (which, too, I recognize way too well), but still, I told a lot of stuff I couldn't bring myself to say at any earlier time in my life - about her acting like an insecure child lashing out at the defenseless students while supposed to be being an authority to us, for example - and I'm very proud of it.

My groupmates seem to have gained a respect for me after the incident, which is noticable considering I rarely ever had any good conversations with them before, and we talk almost always between the classes. I feel more free and capable around all people, not just my groupmates, afterwards, which, too, is noticable and proudmaking. Makes me feel worthy, good enough despite my flaws. Now, I'm trying to path a way for myself to gain the semester mark from another grammar teacher (whom I've studied under before transferring to another group); there seems to be a good chance that it will work out fine, though it's not yet defined.

At the same time, I've started coding my first incremental game based on the idea of "happening" of language. Small steps every day, and by now I already have the base of the engine ready. Cooking, washing dishes and all the other stuff don't seem to be so hard now, either. It's like I'm learning to care about myself.

That's my "holy shit" week for you.