Sorry I promised you an afternoon reply. It's midnignt because I've been going through my own doldrums. Summers are hellish down here. Everyone and everything is on fire. One can barely think.

I'm 28. I grew up poor but lucked out in a decent school thanks to a hateful grandfather. I wrote for my newspaper in highschool and college, with dreams of a degree in journalism. My psychological handicaps had been evolving since a young age, and my selfmedication reached a zenith my sophomore year with a felony arrest and long year of rehabilitation. I gave up on everything for a time. Things got very dark. I used. I drank. I cried watching The Fifth Element :)

I don't know you. I tell you all this just so you know you're not alone. Everyone always says "Get help" like it's some Holy Grail but they can only help as much as you're willing to help yourself.

I can't hold a job either. Who the fuck can these days? They're all about the bottom line. Nothing for a young man these days. Only reason I haven't walked out of my plant job is because it supports a life with someone I love. She is my only reason. I loathe what I have become. I'm bitter about what I could've been.

I drink. It doesn't really help. In fact it sometime hurts. Same old story I guess. Hate to be such a statistic but the reality is I would go batshit insane living the primadonna Anonymous life. I enjoy the little things. I live for the small oases of life. I still have dreams and I still have love for people, even myself.

I haven't felt well lately and I'm truly sorry if my rant is off topic. I think you and I would do much better face to face. I do think you should find something more fulfilling than the bottom of a bottle. That is the true home of down and out fuckups. It is the revolving door.

You know how I know you're not a fuckup? A true fuckup would never worry about it. You've got a good heart. You need to share it with somebody.

Never give up. We need you to stay.