Before I even begin, no I’m not going to go back to college and no I’m not gonna go on disability, because reasons. They’re good reasons too. Just let me mope. I’m depressed.
I picked up a job application the other day, for a tree nursery/garden center. I think it’s the fourth one I’ll have applied for in the past few years. I don’t even know if I wanna fill it out, even though I know they’re openly hiring, because I just don’t wanna deal with the disappointment of not getting it. I've gone through it so many times. I can’t properly perform the physical tasks that’s required of the job, so it’s not like they’re gonna give me the shot. It’s the same story for a lot of places I’ve applied for, woodshops and specialty produce stores and hardware stores. I can’t do the physical work 100%, so they don’t wanna bother. For other places, I lack the technical skills, from book restorers to frame makers to sign makers. It’s always one of three things, can’t do the physical work, lack the proper know how, or there’s always someone better than me. “You’re a nice guy, we like you a lot, but you’re just not the best fit.” Come on man, give me a chance, I have the guts of a fighter, the heart of a teacher, and good work literally brings me joy. You don’t know what you’re missing. I’m amazing.
My current job is gonna be the death of me. It’s literally evil, but not in a mustache twirling villain kind of way (though sometimes it is), but more often in the slow growing, irremovable tumor kind of way. I’m a cell in that tumor, wanting no part, but unable to get out. I’m not gonna preach to you guys or anything, I respect you all too much for that, but speaking in regards to religion, I just feel like my presence in that job is just wholly unethical. On the one hand, I know I’m supposed to work, because meaningful work develops and elevates the spirit, gives one a place where they can positively contribute to society, and ideally speaking, allows one to be not just self sufficient and not dependent on others, but actually able to share the excess of the fruit of their labors in a generous and charitable spirit. But at the same time, it’s important to know the outcomes of our actions and the company we keep.
I see so much wrong in the world, from consumer excess and materialism to pollution and disregard for the sanctity of our planet, to just outright worker exploitation and the disregard for the dignity of men and women who are just trying to get by in the world. It's all reflected in my job and I don’t want an active role, in any of that. I can’t and still call myself a good person. But even as a single person, working in such a place, I know that I’m doing my part to hurt the world and society and my community and people I love, whether I know them or not. I don’t actively hurt anyone, not with intent, but by being a part of such an organization, my activities make me a participant in inflicting a collective pain.
It’s a crumby place to be in, both the job itself and the implications of being in that job, and I’m just so tired of it. I need a job, obviously, I need a paycheck, obviously, but not at the expense of the world around me. I just want a chance at something else, something good and wholesome and honest. Some place where I feel like I’m an active participant in a solution instead of an active participant in the problem. I feel like the only comfort I can take from this whole scenario is knowing that there are good jobs out there giving good people good opportunities to better themselves and the world around them. Especially now, when so many people need work, every job I don't get hopefully means someone else got it and they can pay their bills, feed their family, and hopefully make something of themselves. Sometimes though, in the middle of my shift, I realize where I am and what I’m doing and how awful it all is, and I can’t help but feel like my very presence in that moment and that spot is killing who I am. It’s genuinely terrifying and I just don't know if it'll ever end.
I don't know what advice to give you. I've learned in recent years how insidious depression can be and that many (most?) people seem to think you can just think your way out of it. Here I mean depression as diagnosed by experts. First, a very serious point here. Have you seen a doctor/psychiatrist/professional about depression? Will you if I ask you to? Brain chemistry is crucial. A couple of hundred micrograms of acid can seriously fuck up you mind for 12 hours, what to say about a natural mis-balance over months or years? (Rant) "But... big pharma?" Fuck that. My niece slashed the fuck out of her arms and torso and was later diagnosed and treated by some relatively mild CHEMICALS, MAN. Her whole outlook changed because she had a complex mis-balance of chemical made by her own brain. It took several adjustments to the medicine she was prescribed, but it worked. Having said that and if it's not depression or similar, I'd make a couple of counterpoints in the hope they might be useful to you. Yes, there are massive global problems that (as individuals) we can't control. If you can't control it, don't focus your attention on it. You always have a choice of what to focus your attention on and we're addicted to focussing on the negative. When you pay attention to anything it grows in your mind. Don't feed the mental monsters. Easier said than done, cvhangin your mental habits is a long, slow process. The only way I know to do this is to consciously choose to focus your attention elsewhere - whether that's through meditation or some new activity or when you catch yourself focussing too much on those things beyond your control, focus on something else. It takes a lot of time and mental effort, but you're giving your subconscious instructions what you want to think about and it will respond, but not immediately. Our attitude and mental state do change naturally. External conditions change too even when we have no control over them. That doesn't make them any less dangerous or serious, but it's all in flux of varying degrees. It can be very hard to see that when you're affected by it though, whether it's a positive state ("whoo life is great - I've never been happier, I've discovered the meaning to life...") or a negative state, like the one you;re in right now. Sometimes just knowinf that gives you a boost to see you through. Sometimes not, but it's mostly true. Sorry, I'm not very good with practical advice, more namby pamby philosophical shit. And I'm just a liberal wanker on the internet, but I hope it helps. I see so much wrong in the world...
I just don't know if it'll ever end.
Fortunately it's not clinical depression. It's purely circumstantial. When I'm talking to friends on the phone, I feel great. When I'm out in nature, I feel great. Shoot, when I'm doing chores around the house, I'm not exactly having fun, but I don't feel awful about it either. My about work, the frustration and despair, solely revolves around that place and just how absolute garbage it is. I genuinely try my best to try and focus on the positives, I really do, by focusing on the positives that I can control. I do my best to make sure it's a safe and healthy workplace, both physically and emotionally. I do everything I can to make my coworkers feel appreciated and supported and genuinely valued every time I'm there. I love training new people, sharing what I've picked up over the years, in fact, I think training new people is probably my favorite thing to do. But it all only goes so far. The advice helps, it genuinely does, if only to have another sounding board. Philosophically speaking, I guess, I don't know, as difficult as all this is for me, and it has been for years, I think the negative emotions focused around my job are good. I mean, on the one hand, they keep motivating me to just keep trying to get the fuck out. But I think more importantly, we can't live blindly to the fact that to a large extent we are what we do. I mean, part of the reason the world is so messed up is because people say and do messed up things without ever giving anything a second though, without ever realizing the impacts of their choices, or worse, realizing and not caring. My work is crumby, the role my job plays in society is crumby, but at least I know it and am trying to do something about it. It's a small comfort, but there's still comfort in being able to say "at least I'm trying."
I feel you. Seriously. You've clearly considered many, many options, but I've had analogous decisions to make in my own life and there are times when an unusual and radically different approach works well. A lot of times those huge differences arise because of external circumstances, sometimes we're forced to endure them, other times a decision you make has profoundly unexpected consequences. And sometimes you have to make a conscious choice to make a severe change yourself. Perhaps it's time to make a radical, conscious change in your work. An anecdote. A close friend of mine divorced which ended up being the best thing for him. Weirdly, not long after, one of my private students broke down in class. She'd been battling for some time to save her marriage. I explained about my friend's situation but she was vehemently opposed to divorce. A few months later, she and her husband were working towards reconciling. Actually seriously considering divorce somehow spurred her into finding a way to compromise. I've left out all the details but it was thinking the unthinkable that seemed to be the catalyst she needed. Something radical, Sorry I can't offer anything concrete, only vague unactionable suggestions that are probably unfeasible.
I might have an in on a job though. I was discussing this all with a friend and it turns out their brother works at one of the garden centers I got turned down for the other year (small world of hours, huh?) so he's gonna ask him if there's anything that can be done. Put a good word in for me. It would be awesome if that was the case, cause it's literally my favorite garden center, if only because they have tons of artisan pots and lawn ornaments and to be surrounded not only by plants and weather, but hand made art? Dude.Perhaps it's time to make a radical, conscious change in your work.