Before I even begin, no I’m not going to go back to college and no I’m not gonna go on disability, because reasons. They’re good reasons too. Just let me mope. I’m depressed.
I picked up a job application the other day, for a tree nursery/garden center. I think it’s the fourth one I’ll have applied for in the past few years. I don’t even know if I wanna fill it out, even though I know they’re openly hiring, because I just don’t wanna deal with the disappointment of not getting it. I've gone through it so many times. I can’t properly perform the physical tasks that’s required of the job, so it’s not like they’re gonna give me the shot. It’s the same story for a lot of places I’ve applied for, woodshops and specialty produce stores and hardware stores. I can’t do the physical work 100%, so they don’t wanna bother. For other places, I lack the technical skills, from book restorers to frame makers to sign makers. It’s always one of three things, can’t do the physical work, lack the proper know how, or there’s always someone better than me. “You’re a nice guy, we like you a lot, but you’re just not the best fit.” Come on man, give me a chance, I have the guts of a fighter, the heart of a teacher, and good work literally brings me joy. You don’t know what you’re missing. I’m amazing.
My current job is gonna be the death of me. It’s literally evil, but not in a mustache twirling villain kind of way (though sometimes it is), but more often in the slow growing, irremovable tumor kind of way. I’m a cell in that tumor, wanting no part, but unable to get out. I’m not gonna preach to you guys or anything, I respect you all too much for that, but speaking in regards to religion, I just feel like my presence in that job is just wholly unethical. On the one hand, I know I’m supposed to work, because meaningful work develops and elevates the spirit, gives one a place where they can positively contribute to society, and ideally speaking, allows one to be not just self sufficient and not dependent on others, but actually able to share the excess of the fruit of their labors in a generous and charitable spirit. But at the same time, it’s important to know the outcomes of our actions and the company we keep.
I see so much wrong in the world, from consumer excess and materialism to pollution and disregard for the sanctity of our planet, to just outright worker exploitation and the disregard for the dignity of men and women who are just trying to get by in the world. It's all reflected in my job and I don’t want an active role, in any of that. I can’t and still call myself a good person. But even as a single person, working in such a place, I know that I’m doing my part to hurt the world and society and my community and people I love, whether I know them or not. I don’t actively hurt anyone, not with intent, but by being a part of such an organization, my activities make me a participant in inflicting a collective pain.
It’s a crumby place to be in, both the job itself and the implications of being in that job, and I’m just so tired of it. I need a job, obviously, I need a paycheck, obviously, but not at the expense of the world around me. I just want a chance at something else, something good and wholesome and honest. Some place where I feel like I’m an active participant in a solution instead of an active participant in the problem. I feel like the only comfort I can take from this whole scenario is knowing that there are good jobs out there giving good people good opportunities to better themselves and the world around them. Especially now, when so many people need work, every job I don't get hopefully means someone else got it and they can pay their bills, feed their family, and hopefully make something of themselves. Sometimes though, in the middle of my shift, I realize where I am and what I’m doing and how awful it all is, and I can’t help but feel like my very presence in that moment and that spot is killing who I am. It’s genuinely terrifying and I just don't know if it'll ever end.