An excerpt from the IRC channel. I post there sometimes just to let things off my mind. I figured I haven't posted anything lately. Here's why.
<ThatFanficGuy> My mind has figured the worst time to be depressed as of late.
<ThatFanficGuy> I have exactly tomorrow to a) pass an oral test of 100 words, which is easy but takes effort and time to prepare, b) finish my paper on conlangs for the Theory of Language course final presentation in front of the former dean.
<ThatFanficGuy> No amount of coffee helps. I wake up already drained, too sleepy to even get out of bed despite sleeping for 8 hours at a time.
<ThatFanficGuy> And - no, actually, I don't have the whole of tomorrow to pass the test. If I wake up at 8 AM, I have two hours to prepare and memorize the word list.
<ThatFanficGuy> Which, okay, is manageable, but it's still fucked that I have to do this, despite the teacher perfectly aware of my elevated level of English proficiency relative even to my group, who are decent to very good.
<ThatFanficGuy> the teacher being*
<ThatFanficGuy> I present topics in an interesting and insightful way and elaborate upon them quite eloquently, and I _still_ have to pass the stupid word lists.
<ThatFanficGuy> But... okay, fine, whatever. Manageable.
<ThatFanficGuy> Then there's the paper - and I can't, for the life of me, bring myself to finish it.
<ThatFanficGuy> It's not a lot, and I don't want to make it a bad work.
<ThatFanficGuy> But... it's tough to even fill a page. I constantly turn away, towards something even moderately exciting, just so I can make it through the day.
<ThatFanficGuy> And I have to finish and present it in this state of mind.
<ThatFanficGuy> Fucking hell.
<ThatFanficGuy> Right now, I'd much rather watch a YouTube series of a guy playing /Democracy 3/ - four hours straight - than do anything remotely productive about the uni.
<ThatFanficGuy> The topic of the paper is exciting because it's very interesting to me. I'm glad I can work on that. It's just... I have to slog through it because there's so little time, and I've only recently figured out what I want the topic to be.
<ThatFanficGuy> But... What it comes down it is something I've been upset and mad about during the last few days.
<ThatFanficGuy> I've briefly prepared myself for the Philosophy exam, thinking that should be enough, and my erudition should carry me the rest of the way. No such luck.
<ThatFanficGuy> The teacher made it clear that the questions listed on the paper - the ones our head of the group posted in the group chat - are "just for introduction", and that the meaningful part of the material - the part he questions over - was on his lectures.
<ThatFanficGuy> I didn't go to any of his lectures.
<ThatFanficGuy> Partly because I was assured that they don't matter anyway by the student who went to his class last year. Partly because the only lecture I've visited last semester made me so infuriated I could barely contain myself. The manner with which the teacher acted - nonchalant, feigning uncaringness and employing some sort of passive-aggressive boistering - made me deeply unsettled.
<ThatFanficGuy> He's shown the same attitude on the exam. "I haven't seen you in the class" - "I was sick most of the semester" (not telling him it was depression: I don't expect him to understand) - "You don't look sick".
<ThatFanficGuy> Should I have worn a ragged white coat and a brain surgery scar over the bald head or something?
<ThatFanficGuy> His belief that the course is about him and his lectures, not the subject, drives me crazy.
<ThatFanficGuy> I can't imagine a good teacher being more preoccupied with his status as a teacher than with the knowledge he gives.
<ThatFanficGuy> There is my fault in what happened, I grant you.
<ThatFanficGuy> It wasn't that I was depressed for the whole semester, with a decent week or two total.
<ThatFanficGuy> It wasn't that I didn't look sick enough, which is bullshit and isn't worth even talking about.
<ThatFanficGuy> I did study only for a few hours.
<ThatFanficGuy> Usually, it gives me the pass.
<ThatFanficGuy> I retain shit. Given enough time, I can recover it even after this little time to prepare.
<ThatFanficGuy> This time? I put it off way late. I finished the notes _right_ before the exam. Never had that before.
<ThatFanficGuy> Then again, I am fucking depressed, so it's not like I can just shrug it off and blame myself for not doing well enough. I couldn't, mentally or physically.
<ThatFanficGuy> I couldn't bring myself to study the day before.
<ThatFanficGuy> Just like I can't do it now.
<ThatFanficGuy> I am pissed that I have to go through this hoop-jumping shit, but I can't do a damn thing about it barring somehow talking the teacher into putting the exam off for the autumn.
<ThatFanficGuy> I wouldn't like it much - having to study this bullshit for any stretch of time - but it would be better than me slogging through it right now.
<ThatFanficGuy> I would be even better if I could just get my C and get the fuck off the subject.
<ThatFanficGuy> I wonder if there are way I can ensure it, or at least make it more probable, without bribery.
<ThatFanficGuy> (he's the teacher who takes alcohol from students; I've talked about the situation early in the calendar year)
<ThatFanficGuy> God... I hate the whole situation so fucking much.
<ThatFanficGuy> I just want to go home and relax and maybe, _just maybe_, do something meaningful, something that gives me _some_ joy, something that would let me become a better person.
<ThatFanficGuy> This is just me dragging my senseless legs onto gravel towards the gate-the-fuck-out-of-here.
P.S. I've decided against using the #tellhubski main tag because using it implies that I have something special to tell you guys. I know we're all unique individuals with vibrant inner worlds, so everything everyone would ever like to share with you is a glimpse into the mental trove of another person's life, but I don't feel like spamming #tellhubski with my "been up to" posts is a good idea. It would dilute the contents of #tellhubski, which are some major happenings in one's life: "I bought a house!", "I started a company!", "I made my first song!"... not "TFG feels sad again".