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comment by beezneez
beezneez  ·  2175 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: a love poem

    Quiet as the grave upon which we swore ourselves

'on which' instead of 'upon which'?

    "Quite as the grave we swore on

    Timidly, squirly, and indecisive"?

It's a great draft. If you modify the rhythm, though, you could make the structure for a few more verses! I really do like the codas at the end of each stanza.





flagamuffin  ·  2175 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Thanks for the feedback. I really hate that line about the grave. It doesn't work well. I wrote this years ago, I'm sure, so I don't really remember what I was thinking.