I'm not doing too well. I spent the weekend unsober all day and am regretting it now, 3 days later. Haven't been capable of doing basic things, or I just keep getting distracted. I'll take a shower once I post this. Edit: It took me way too long to deliberate on posting this. Online comments are the closest representation to my head, but I tend to leave half finished comments unposted because I get embarrassed about going over the deep end.

I wasted yesterday's therapy session, I think. My new (and first) therapist is very good at spinning things optimistically, and we're somewhat similar people. This is a disadvantage, because I can only imagine myself in a good mood while talking to him. Now that I'm in a bad mood- I'm not sure how to tell him.

Something to my core feels broken. It occurred to me that my version of suicidal ideation is to have this deep desire to hand my life over to some other entity and tell them that they can do better with my life than I can. It's discomforting, but probably natural until I get over my failure to launch thing going on.

Is it a dumb idea to throw a dart at a map of the US and fly and stay in a hostel there for a week, for some sort of mental health break? I want to get over my fear of travelling this summer. Two years ago, I traveled across the US to find a new life for myself and became so overwhelmed that I ended up staying at AirBnbs and watching Youtube videos all day, only going out to find a restaurant on the other side of the city to pass time. I was lucky enough to find a job in Pittsburgh after 3 months. My big fear is that 1. this is a waste of money and 2. i'll just do the same thing again.

My current avoidance playlist is playing chess and watching youtube videos on chess. Last night I played a bunch of games in the worst mood, and I won one game after being a whole 21.6 points down according to stockfish. I bookmarked the game in pinboard, captioning it "how did you win this game you stupid piece of shit, this is a metaphor for your life." It's the worst game of chess in the world, but it amuses the hell out of me today.