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blackbootz  ·  345 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: July 12, 2017

I am unwell. The last few months have been a series of massive adjustments one after the other. Broke up with a long time girlfriend, finished the semester that was occupying most of my time, moved out of my old house where I saw my family every day, depleted all my savings to buy brand a new house--in a neighborhood with daily muggings and the odd carjacking--and my dad moved across the country. My new day to day life is completely foreign to me and I'm finding that my coping skills are really lacking. I lack systems and routines. I haven't been exercising. I've been eating terribly. I bite my nails and they're the worst they've ever been. And I'm so lonely. And to add the maraschino cherry on top of this delicious sundae, money is tight and keeps getting tighter because my solution to all this? Lurch from weekend to weekend going out all the time to numb mysel. And/or to hopefully collide into someone to rescue me. (Which, as an aside, is absolutely the worst way to be when looking for someone. There's no winning.)

I talk to my friends about it but they don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. There are a few special people that have been helping me through this, and lord I am thankful through to my bones, but it's temporary respite from a chronic problem of environment. None of this is going to change on its own. I don't like what it is I'm doing but then nighttime rolls around again and the thought of being alone in the house makes me crazy.

If we're evolved from social primates who lived in small, tight-knit bands, then I understand what's wrong with me. Nothing I'm doing right now is aligned with what brings social monkeys happiness. I am unmoored. I am seriously exposing myself to risk factors for depression. But I don't know what to do or where to begin. I don't know how to make anything stick. Sorry if this is not the most bummed out blackbootz. I can intellectually grasp that everything might/could/will get better, but right now I'm in the weeds.