Love is not a life sentence; love is not successful only if somebody dies. Those are two pieces of advice that were given to me when I realized I needed to leave the relationship with my first love. I've also experienced limerence (and, curiously, I remember it MUCH more than I remember love right now) but I don't think that you necessarily experienced limerence instead of love just because you weren't the one to break things off. I think perhaps you simply experienced love with someone who could not love you indefinitely, rather than someone who didn't love you at all. This thread and an external conversation on the same topic helped me realize that the reason I have trouble either remembering ever having been in love or crossing that boundary now (but limerence is easy!) is because I'm threatened by the fact that love makes people willing to automatically sacrifice to put the other person's happiness first, and in past loving relationships I did that to my own detriment and changed things about myself that it took me a long time to recover. There's a point, I think, in a relationship where even if you love someone, you have to stop and give some thought to what continuing to love them means, and whether or not you can sustain the feeling of their happiness being more essential to your happiness than individual fulfillment is. When I left that first loving relationship, I was elated. It was hard to say the words and break up, but within days of doing so I finally felt that I could breathe again. That doesn't mean to me that I never loved him -- it means that I let love feel like a life sentence, instead of a choice. It was a lousy relationship in a lot of ways, but it was good in other ways, and I really do believe it was a love match, but it was one where I came to the point of choosing love with one of the millions of people in the world who I could love, or the ability to be a version of myself that I'm proud of. The fact that the two couldn't coexist doesn't make him wrong, bad, or any of that, it just meant it was time for an end. Maybe that's what is happening in your relationships. You just come to a point where the other person does love you, but can't both keep loving you and be the person she wants to be outside the relationship. That doesn't make you wrong or unlovable, it just means you haven't met someone yet for whom who she wants to be as a person is the same as who loving you would make her become. I think that person is out there for everyone. I think there is someone in the world who will love me to the point of modifying themselves automatically over time, without thinking, to make me happier--and who will get to that "stop, look, evaluate" point and say, "Wow, I love the things that I've added to my character in this relationship." I believe that I will get to that point with someone, too. But I think that's really hard to find, and that it's endurance and compatibility, not love, that gets a relationship past the "stop, look, evaluate." Every love seems to come to that point, and being unable to pass it doesn't make it non-love.
Thanks for that response. Very thoughtful, and you brought up some great points. For some reason, I have trouble understanding love, and the emotions associated with it. I feel like I can make sense of a lot of things, but with love I just start to get confused. Well, I am confused right now obviously. I'll keep searching, but I don't think I'll be ready to put someone else before my own interests and happiness for a while.
I totally relate. That's where I am right now, too. I know that putting someone else first right now would mean sacrifices I'm not willing to make, so I'm not sure I'm far enough in my own evolution to be in love. That doesn't mean I can't keep enjoying my relationship and considering it "loving" if not "in-love," for as long as the other person is willing to tolerate my not being in-love, but the big epiphany of all of these descriptions of love is that I don't feel them right now not because I'm incapable of any/all of them, but because some part of me recognizes that I AM capable of all of them and that I need a little more time to become a person I'm ready to offer to a love partner before I WANT to feel those things.
Hopefully the person you're with is in the same space psychologically. If he/she is then I'm sure it will mature over time. In the end, that may be a healthy approach to a long-term bond.
For a lot of reasons that are his business and not mine to share, I don't think it's exactly the same, but I've gotten comfortable with the fact that either possible outcome will end up being good for both of us. If things work out and I can be in love in a selfless way in the future, I really respect his character and trust him to be a person who will accept my love and return it. If not, I think the relationship has helped both of us learn about ourselves, and we're both people who have a history of being able to let go of resentment of past relationships and be friendly toward ex-lovers, so I think if we separate eventually we'll look at our relationship as having been a positive.
Hm. It is a weird part of my character that it is impossible for me to be friends with a girls who have broken up with me. I cut them out and never speak to them again. I don't know exactly why I do it. With girls I've dumped, I don't cut them out, but I don't feel comfortable talking to them or having any type of relationship with them. I think I feel that way because of guilt.