Life is great. To me at least. From a different point of view it's a dumpster fire.

I picked up my 60 day AA chip yesterday. It's the longest I've ever been sober since before I had pubes. I told my story the other day in IOP (intensive outpatient rehab) and everyone was very impressed by what I've been through and where I am now. Last weekend I went to a reunion at the residential program I was in and my girlfriend came from Alabama to be with me. We went to an art show that night that my old boss was having.

But when she sat in my car, which I haven't driven since October, there was a pint of vodka behind the seat cover. It was embarrassing. I had her throw it out of the window. I honestly also wanted to drink it. I don't know what I would have done if I'd found it first. It was my worst craving since February.

I went to see her at her place last week. Which was awesome but I was sitting with her in her apartment and looking at the life she has, which is not even that representative of where she is since a lot of stuff is at her house where her husband is living, and I felt like such a loser for wasting so much of my life drunk. She's unbelievably successful at a young age and I have no idea what she's doing with me. I try not to question it and accept how lucky I am. Also, while I was there and she was at work there was a bottle of liquor in the freezer. But I didn't want to drink any. I thought, "That is something that people can drink," and that was about it.

It's advised not to start a relationship or make any major life changes in the first year of recovery. And I am not taking that advise. My new relationship saved my life. It's a bit difficult sometimes. We both have baggage, she's going through a divorce and I'm a newly sober man-baby, but I think I'm handling it pretty well for the most part. I sometimes delude myself that I'm uncommonly mentally healthy when I know I absolutely am not. But at least I'm willing to work on myself. And I think I conceptually know what a healthy relationship is like even if I've never been in one and I'm very in love and very committed to making this work.

Thanks to everyone who listened to my story. I know it's long, longer than the attention span of the Internet, but a few people have listened to it and I hope they enjoyed it.

posted by pubski: 451 days ago