In the happy news category, I've applied to $40,000 across 15 scholarships in the last two months. I would have NEVER EVER EVER done this when I enrolled at 18 years old. 1) I was not spending my own money, 2) the student loans I was taking out were so abstract, having never lived and saved on my own before, and 3) I was lazy and uninterested. All the essay writing and hard work this semester will hopefully pay off next year if I not only cover tuition, but have enough left over to pay off previous loans.

🤞

Also, I don't think I've ever been in as great a shape as I'm in now. Sleep hygiene is on fleek, working out, gymnastics and soccer, and considering a run at CrossFit this summer. I have so much more to get good at, but it's nice to acknowledge where I'm at.

That said, I'm in a depressive bout, and it's confusing and upsetting. By lots of objective criteria I have a lot to feel happy about. The main negative factor seems to be that I'm surrounded by 19 & 20 year-olds when I'm 26. I feel a huge disconnect, which is a shame because I'm wired to thrive when I'm surrounded by people. I can't shake the thought that it's not external factors that afflict me, but my conception of those factors that's what's really bothering me. Yet this thought never rises above recurring observation to more persistent "firmware upgrade"/outlook. I care way too much about other people's approval.