I'm exhausted, physically and mentally. I may as well have a panic attack when I'm in class. All the people around me I reached out to so far failed to show any kind of compassion.

Knowing that I'm at the lowest point now is a relief.

Been to all classes today, for the first time. The teachers I've met weren't nearly as nasty about me skipping a whole month worth of classes as I imagined.

Haven't had a highly destructive thought for a while, and fought the other ones successfully. Eaten when hungry, which is enormous. Complimented a girl without thinking too much about it.

The group and I have a tall enough wall by now that, about administrative matters, they dare not talk to me. The dean's office needed our credit books for government reevaluation. I only learned about it today, a day before it has to be done, not from the head of the group but from the only other guy in it, because we still maintain semblance of contact.

(if anyone wants to talk to me about repairing bridges, opening up to people, apologizing first or the giving spirit - not fucking now)

I have no one to reach out to, no one to talk to about how I feel or just spend time with in the immediate vicinity. Best anyone did was ask me how I was and, receiving no reply, say "Oh. That bad?". People only care about me as long as I provide some sort of utility. Without that, I might as well not exist. Same thing about my narcissistic mother. May or may not be related to shit that's happening.

Lost a few friends since last Pubski to the same apathy.

Met half the people I didn't want to meet within the same half an hour today, including Julia. One of her posts later came up as "recommended" in my social network feed. Going to meet another person tomorrow. Shit.

One day I'm gonna laminate my memory of Sveta on Hubski, 'cause I keep thinking about her years after. Watch out for that name. Damn it.

On top of simple desire to dissapate in people for a little bit, I'm experiencing limerence. Fucking hell.

(if anyone wants to talk to me about getting therapy - I don't even have money for food, so not fucking now)

Anyway. Lowest point. Gonna keep attending all the classes, like I promised myself I would.

Haven't seen byonic for a long while. Makes me worried. He's not active on IRC or Hubski.