A lot of people here are describing the headrush of adulation: how infatuation feels, how it is to be smitten with someone, how the honeymoon-easy-parts of the relationship are, especially (to me it seems) in the beginning days when the rush is still fresh.

Indeed, studies show that happiness peaks for a short time after a relationship, but then normalizes. Therefore I must admit I am suspect of these definitions of love - don't we hold love to be a lasting, permanent force in life? Isn't that one of its hallmarks, its ability to remain after many fights and years? Indeed, don't many people tell us we cannot even truly know we are in love until we have been with a person for x weeks, x months, even x years?

I have a friend who has been living with her boyfriend for the past year. They dated for a few before that. This year, they moved in together, finally, due to careful budgeting. The boyfriend bought himself a new car around the same time. Two weeks later, he was laid off. My friend has been supporting him through unemployment until he finally found a job - but one which pays less than both his former gig and unemployment. You can imagine the stress their little household has encountered as it has gone from "carefully stepping forward on the 'next step' while moving in a reasonable financial matter" to "my friend paying for basically the entirety of the household as her partner needs to recoup and get back on his feet." (They have an agreement and he will begin putting money back towards rent soon.)

Thing is, that friend? She tells me, she doesn't know if she's in love with him. She wants to know, what love is. She's very upfront with her partner about this; they've talked about love, and how he's certain he loves her, but she has difficulty with the idea for some reason. I think the concept is more nebulous than she is comfortable, that of love. You can't define it or draw lines and say "this is where love starts."

Recently I told her that I didn't really care if she didn't think she was in love with her partner. By dint of her actions, I felt and feel that what they have has to be love. My logic is that if she is willing to do as much as she does for him and it's not love, then the rest of her friends should be able to reap similar benefits, no? Basically, a person would not be willing to do everything she does for her partner if they were not in love.

Moreover, I think that's what matters more. Not whether you say you are in love but how you act and how you treat your partner.

[DISCLAIMER: The following assumes a family that, while not perfect, does not contain anyone so poisonously narcissistic or otherwise unhealthy/unable to cope/negative, as to prevent these circumstances. YES, people's families suck, and indeed, mine has a lot of flaws. But one thing we generally know how to do is live with/around each other. Families exist where this is not possible. This is my personal experience.]

When I think of love, I think most of family. I think of how I tolerate, weather, and understand my family members at their worst and do not leave and often do not even blame them, wholly, for their outbursts. I know them well enough to say "she's just having a bad day," or "he's stressed about [x]" and either not take it personally or strive not to. I give them the benefit of the doubt. I do not consider abandoning them because there is no choice to do so. I worry about them. When I fight with them it is never a matter of winning or losing because there is no point to that. I can't win against my family, or lose, really. I can try to make them understand, and try to hear them, and that's about it.

I pick up after them when I have the time, and I don't chalk it up invisibly and wait for my generosity to be paid back. It's simply what I do, because I know they appreciate it, because I know they need help from time to time, because I'm certain that in the long run they will get me back, if that were to matter. I listen when they talk about things I don't care about. I do what they ask because I know it matters to them, not to me.

I think if we are talking about LOVE, and not the heady rush of the first months or even year or two of a successful sexual relationship, many of these elements should be there. I think it probably takes years to develop some of these tendencies but I think considering love and long-term relationships from the perspective of "family" helps - because when you marry or partner with someone for an extended period of time, you choose to make them your family, and you need to treat them like {relatively successful} family members treat each other.

I have never had that. However, I grow increasingly more conscious of how that kind of mindset is necessary for a successful LTR. When they say, "you must be a team," it really means "pick up the slack when you need to without being asked." It means "transcend tit for tat." Of course this assumes they treat you the same way too, and that it's a healthy relationship, and all is well.

I also think it takes years to get to that point. But to me, that's love or the love I would like to get to: knowing there is someone who always has your back at the end of the line, someone who you can always count on so far as they are able.

Blah blah blah, sentiment. :)