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ThatFanficGuy's profile

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ThatFanficGuy  ·  250 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: The Unexpected Heaviosity of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Scolding a man with depression – publicly – for having a depressive outlook on things is up there on list of "It's all about me".

I promised not to interfere with you, but there are lines that I find too offensive not to cross.

Either we both get to have an opinion, or neither does. You seem entitled to yours.

ThatFanficGuy  ·  250 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: The Unexpected Heaviosity of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

I badged this comment because I want it to show up on the feed. For better or for worse, when people look at the best contribution made on this forum, I want them to see this, too.

ThatFanficGuy  ·  254 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: The far edge of my empathy; The leading edge of my logic

Please don't misread the questions as a mark of judgement. I asked them so that you could formulate a more profound response. It was meant as a way for you to illuminate your own feelings, even if not publicly.

My apologies if it came off as an attack or an affront. Neither was the intention.

ThatFanficGuy  ·  254 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: January 11, 2023

You are most welcome back.

ThatFanficGuy  ·  254 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: January 11, 2023

Finally got the appointment for getting my Belgian ID.

It's on the 21st of February.

At least it's this year.

Been looking into setting up a more permanent location for myself in Belgium. This apartment I'm renting, I'll have for another five months. It's a good starting point, but I wouldn't want to live here forever.

Turns out, it's remarkably easy to find a great location by the sea/ocean in Belgium, decently-sized and perfectly-equipped, for 2/3 of what I'm paying for this small, though equipped, studio. Just yesterday I saw a penthouse apartment in a 5- or 6-storey building, with a large terrace overlooking a vast natural area, right at the beach for 600 € / mo.

I don't have to live in Brussels while I'm employed with the company. My boss said that legally, I can live anywhere in the country. I have about 5 months to decide.

So guess what? I'm going all over the motherfucking Belgium over the next 5 months. Travel is my passion, and now, travel is my mission. :D

This city is fucking beautiful, though. Hard to beat. If y'all are visiting some time soon, let me know: I'll show you some cool places.

ThatFanficGuy  ·  254 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: January 11, 2023

Get better soon!

ThatFanficGuy  ·  255 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: The far edge of my empathy; The leading edge of my logic

What about her being a traitor makes her less human?

Would you rather she show no regret in her actions and continue with her work for ISIS and her propaganda?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but even through all of that, you still want to feel bad for the woman. You want to empathize with her, if not necessary sympathize. My question is: why?

ThatFanficGuy  ·  259 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: 514th Weekly "Share Some Music You've Been Into Lately"
ThatFanficGuy  ·  259 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: January 4, 2023

This reads like a writer's note to self while working on the next book.

ThatFanficGuy  ·  260 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: January 4, 2023

Maybe do what doesn't suck until either:

(1) it starts sucking, or

(2) you find something you'd want to do?

Taking some time away from things might do you wonders.

You are in a... dare I say, peculiar position right now, not so much as where you are but the prospects of working in an environment where any and all help is appreciated. You could do ten different things in a day if you talk to enough people, regardless of where you are in the country. Coordination of collection and delivery of goods (military or civilian), gathering the news, volunteering for EMS (or firefighters), social promo work in regards to donations to Ukraine – hell, sewing together defensive green drapes is a thing you could do. That, and dozens of other things.

While the overall situation is horrendous – you know damn well where I stand on this fucking war – it may pay off for you personally.

ThatFanficGuy  ·  260 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: January 4, 2023

I'm a nobody, and you are a good person. Best wishes.

ThatFanficGuy  ·  261 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: January 4, 2023

Made my first donation in support of Ukraine. 20 € isn't a lot, but it's going to be recurring. I made that promise all the way back in Russia, and now I'm in a position where spending 20 € monthly isn't going to affect my lifestyle in the slightest.

I don't expect anybody else to donate, Russian or otherwise. It's a privilege for me to be able to do so.

I feel like the resentment is going to be there no matter how much money I donate. It would be a perfectly understandable response. This is, if anything, an attempt to wash the blood of my hands, even though I did nothing to help the regime perpetrate the war. Putin chose for us all, and now everyone but him and his cronies are going to pay the price.

I wish nothing but the best for the people of Ukraine.

Слава Україні.

ThatFanficGuy  ·  262 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Questions for the New Year - or any time.

> 1. What are you curious about (for 2023)?

I'm curious to explore myself. Living (potentially permanently) in a place that's different from Russia in attitudes, as well as having a good salary, gives me plenty of space to run around and look at things. Mental health, physical health, wanderlust, romance and sexuality... Probably a dozen things that don't readily come to mind, too.

I'm also curious about whether I can actually do more, or whether that's a power fantasy born out of getting through life with ADHD. I've come to realize my limits that much more carefully, but there's also a set of unsatisfied ambitions itching to be fulfilled. Writing, research, publishing, code, design, modding for games – I wonder how much of it was hampered by ADHD, by the environment I was a part of for the longest time, and by my own lack of rigor when it comes to work and creativity.

> 2. What are you worried about (for 2023)?

My responsibilities for the new job – or rather, what happens if I fail at it. It's a long way to fall if I do: without a work contract to keep me grounded in Belgium (or elsewhere), I'll most certainly be deported to Russia. Apart from it being a likely death sentence, even if I somehow avoid the mobilization, it still means returning to the same miserable mental place I've been dreaming about leaving.

I don't think I'll fail, in as much as I know I'm perfectly capable of picking up the tab of a front-end developer on an app with actual clientele, but it's still a worry I can't shake off. My boss has been nothing but accomodating, I have plenty of funds to play around with, and other worries I have are addressable... but my brain is a twisted mechanism, and there's probably nothing I can about it by placate it to some extent.

> Are you open to being more known in 2023 (to your choice of human)?

I've grown to be steadily more open about myself, in ways that would've seemed dangerous or uncomfortable just a few years ago.

I don't think this extends to my choice of human. After seeing how little people at large jive with me, I've put dating etc. on hold indefinitely. So far, searching for someone to connect with has led me to little else but disappointment, in a way that's hard to convey and easy to dismiss.

Odds are, for me, being more known by anyone isn't an option in 2023, so I'm putting the idea on ice. Something spectacular must happen to change this.

> Do you have any resentments that you can let go of in 2023?

If I may be so bold as to phrase it as "by 2023", then I certainly have. Having lived through months of fear under mobilization in Russia has led to shedding a lot of the previous grudges: by contrast, they don't matter all that much. This includes my parents, from whom my feelings are yet raw and unprocessed. I used to worry about what they'd think of me doing what I did after the war'd started; now, I don't think about them that much. A lot of the same goes to all the different people with whom I tried – and failed – to connect before September 2022.

> Do you have a philosophy of [your occupation, whatever it is]? Are you considering re-evaluating any of it in 2023?

My philosophy of things has always been about the real, the natural, and the inoffensive. In writing, it means telling the story as it would happen, not as you'd like it to happen. In dev, this means "Do what your users would do, rather than design an elaborate schema that ends up not working anyway (they never do)". In design, it means not assaulting one's senses, and keeping things mild, even if it may not look stark or outstanding. (This last one comes from me having heightened senses and being sensitive to everything. Mental fatigue is a thing.)

As far as reconsidering any of it... I don't think I am. I think I'm on the right course, generally, and it would take details of implementation to shift, rather than a more general design attitude.

> 6. Do you remember discovering that you were valuable and worthwhile?

No. I'm not even sure "valuable and worthwhile" is even a thing. You carry on, regardless of what happens, and change lanes and speed when you must. I'm struggling to see where the notion of the "value of self" comes in there. You carry on, or you dive head-first off the tallest drop you can find; it's that simple.

> 7. What success are you still proud of?

I made a magazine about my favorite city in the world, and some people liked it well enough to subscribe. I'm having a blast working on the research and the writing.

I think my biggest success here was in letting go of time constraints and letting myself work on the next issue whenever I feel like it, instead of crunching hard every two weeks at a time. The content is rarer, but the quality is a lot higher, with more in-depth research, more interesting visuals, and me being able to learn more about New York overall.

In other words, my success is in making it work for me and making it a valuable proposition for somebody else, too.

> 9. What idea or attitude did you once believe that you later discovered was false?

I'm about 1% as cool as I thought I was.

Tough pill to swallow, but it took me some interesting places. Oddly enough, it made me less angry overall.

> 10. When you realize that everything is made up – all religions, nations, ideas, philosophies - made up by people trying to understand how to live in the world – what then do you believe? What belief system do you follow, or do you make up your own?

See point 6.

I had an existential crisis a couple of years ago. I'd lay in bed for days on end, not knowing what to do with myself, given that nothing really matters anymore. I could write something... but for what? None of it would matter in the end. YouTube kept me entertained enough to last through the day, and then I'd wake up again and have the same thoughts go through my head.

What got me out of it was a very simple notion: "I want to live". Not just survive day to day, but to explore the world, to create things, make meaningful connections with people, and learn – oh, so much learning. That turned out to be enough of a guiding light for me: even if nothing else matters in a cosmic sense, I still want to get out there and do things because that brings me joy and satisfaction.

Also, something something Kant something something expanding humanity in whatever shape one finds most fitting for them something something.

> 11. What questions do you have about yourself that you’d like answered in 2023?

I think it's "What do you think of me?".

I struggle to get feedback from people. Did I upset you? Did I make you feel uncomfortable? Did I make you shine on the inside? I've gotten pretty good at reasoning about the context so that I could derive a potential reaction: this makes me able to "read" people, though it feels like a blind person "reading" a book: much too narrow, much too focused, zero context about the typography and other visuals.

This is a hundred times worse online, where black-on-white gets interpreted ten thousand times in ten thousand different ways, and everyone's eager to make their own assumptions when they're angry, upset, anxious, or agitated. What you get is a sensation, filtered through 12 different media, diluted in the process to become barely fit for consumption by your empathy engine.

This may work well enough for most of the bell curve, it really doesn't work well for me. I try desperately to make it work in a world where I most obviously don't fit in; even the people who think me an interesting fellow (certainly a euphemist, at this point) seek to avoid my company. There are two ways out of this conundrum: care deeply, or not care at all.

I'm leaning towards the former. I wonder if I'm even able to lean towards the latter.

> 12. How would you like to be more effective in 2023?

Medication, or whatever's the closest thing to it. If I can do more than two hours of work maybe per day, that would be fucking great, yes please and thank you very much.

ThatFanficGuy  ·  265 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: HAPPY NEW YEAR HUBSKI!!!

Time is that jelly thing.

ThatFanficGuy  ·  265 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: HAPPY NEW YEAR HUBSKI!!!

P. S. I went back and labeled each "Happy New Year" post by year. One of those, from 2016, is not tagged as #newyear.

ThatFanficGuy  ·  265 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: HAPPY NEW YEAR HUBSKI!!!

I've witnessed the most striking firework display of my life. There are very few tall buildings in Brussels, so within my view is about half of the city. And I saw the entire half launch fireworks at the same time.

It was beautiful, it was loud, it was sulfury, and it was amazing.

Something in me shifted when I saw that.

Happy New Year, everyone. May this be a good year for you.

ThatFanficGuy  ·  267 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: 513th Weekly "Share Some Music You've Been Into Lately"

As a newly-minted resident of the free world, I've discovered Spotify.

The very first new album – by one of my favorite bands – is an absolute motherfuckin' banger: Stray from the Path — Euthanasia.

Here's the first track:

ThatFanficGuy  ·  267 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: 513th Weekly "Share Some Music You've Been Into Lately"

You might not be surprised to learn that Henry Rollins has similar feelings about the band.

ThatFanficGuy  ·  268 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: 513th Weekly "Share Some Music You've Been Into Lately"

That Ruts track kicks ass.

ThatFanficGuy  ·  269 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: December 28, 2022  ·  

As of two days ago, I'm officially and completely employed by the company.

This was somewhat in the air (not on the ground level but legally) because I signed my work contract all the way in July, and I'd only arrived into Belgium to work in December. I'm not sure what the actual issue was, but now I have a new contract, and it's all good. I even got paid my first salary!

The social secretary (who runs the documents for my boss in the background) did a great job by giving me a higher-status position legally, which prompted higher pay for fewer hours. (Apparently all of that is not for my boss to decide directly, and is instead governed by employment rules of Belgium and/or the EU.) All in all, it's a significant bump to my available funds, and it's welcome even more so now that I think I have a good shot at celebrating Christmas and New Year in New York in 2023 → 2024.

Hearing a fair amount of Russian in Brussels. Mostly from women. Some of them were discussing the happenings in Ukraine from the position of (what sounds like) having fled the country. Hearing other people speak openly of the war and its consequences in my native tongue is somehow affirming, but also chilling: in as much as it feels like the war is that much closer to me, that much more observable, than it ever was when I was in Russia.

Having no money worry is a big relief. Being able to plan out more, and sooner, upgrades to self is a bigger relief still.

ThatFanficGuy  ·  271 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: December 21, 2022


ThatFanficGuy  ·  271 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: December 21, 2022

Good to know. Any additional reading on the matter I, as a newb, could benefit from? (I think I was referring to a caloric fast. The one where I don't eat anything for a while.)

ThatFanficGuy  ·  271 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: December 21, 2022

Cool! But my concern wasn't with hunger suppression: it was with the fact that you're breaking a fast – and, therefore, no longer having your body break down fats for energy, which is the whole point – by drinking anything other than water.

To be clear: this is hardly substantiated. I heard a doctor talk about it once on that Joe Rogan show, and now I can't even find the damn clip anymore. If that's wrong, do let me know.