This question will be different for every one of us. Some of us have strong and close relationships with our parents, some of us have a tumultuous one. Some of us have lost our parents and perhaps some of us have never met our parents.
No matter where you fall in this regard, the relationship between child and parent is an emotionally loaded one. Often, the context surrounding this relationship, time, space, life, death etc can stand in the way of the discourse we actually need to have.
All this said, what question would you like to be able to ask your parents and get a straight answer on?
I'm back home in Michigan. I was born with a cleft pallet (not lip) and it's something we don't often talk about. It's not as if we actively avoid talking about it, but we rarely do. I had several major surgeries as a child, I couldn't speak properly and I had to wear a prosthetic pallet until my final surgery at age 4. -Most of that last sentence are things I just learned tonight from my parents. I asked about the surgery. I asked about who was there caring for me. I asked about how it made them feel.
However, it was just my dad that seemed interested in this conversation. I'll attempt to ask my mother the same question while home and press it a bit more.
Why do I want to know about this? Well, it's a hell of a thing for a child to go through. Still, now as a father myself I realize that it would be a hell of a thing for a parent to go through too. Especially given the fact that my mom was only around 20 years old and my dad 22.
I found out tonight that my parents acted as translators for me to others. My speech was so debilitated by my lack of a pallet that most people could not understand me. Then, around the age of three I got a prosthetic pallet. When my dad told me this, I had a rush of memories. I could literally tasted the metallic piece and could feel what it felt like to wear it. The memory was extremely fresh.
I learned a lot tonight about things I've been unwilling to ask about.
Your turn:
"How do you live with the fact that your religion condemns me to eternally burn in hell?"
Yeah, that's a big one. I'm sorry that you have to endure that. I have a father in law that I really think is an awesome guy aside from that whole thing... and it is an increasingly difficult thing to ignore.
So today I drove the half-hour out from the city to get to their suburb and help my dad move furniture, they just moved houses. I have a great relationship with my parents, but can't really broach the topic of science or politics, and certainly not religion. There's definitely an elephant-in-the-room feel sometimes, but the best thing to do is stay lighthearted and try to have a good time. Still, we're typically only one rainbow away from my mom exclaiming about how wonderful God is, in which case I just keep my mouth shut, because there's no point trying to explain optical refraction, simple as though it may seem to you and I. From their perspective, it's "Why would you want to burn in hell? All you have to do is believe!". I will refrain from demolishing this argument, there's no need here. My parents are probably one reason Hubski appeals to me. Here, we get to talk about things that matter, and hardly anyone ever gets their knickers in a twist.
Yeah, so funny story. My mother, when drunk (and jovial) is fond of saying "I never wanted kids but you two turned out okay." When drunk (and not jovial) she omits everything after "kids." My father, for his part, has only ever offered me one piece of advice: "never get married." This advice was generally proffered while drunk, and usually after my mother had done something charming such as threatening to murder the dogs or hiding the cars in other people's driveways. Childhood was much easier for me when I minimized my footprint. I learned to not involve my parents in things as much as possible. I was latchkey from first grade and generally nobody got home until 7 or so. I started cooking for me and my sister in 4th or 5th grade. I got the impression that marriage is impossible, kids are a total drag, and only suckers have families because they drain away your life force and leave you bitter and worn out. Then I had a kid. So now I vacillate between whether I was that much of a pain in the ass or whether they just sucked that hard at parenting. 'cuz this kid thing? It's a fuckin' snap. And holy shit is it fun. And had I known that going in, I woulda had one fifteen fuckin' years ago. So either I was a terrible kid (equals "I'm a terrible person") or my parents were terrible parents (equals "are terrible people") and no matter how I look at it, there's no amount of insight that makes any of this any better. In fact, I've found that since having a kid, I talk to my parents less. Framing myself as "son" while also being "dad" puts me in an extremely uncomfortable juxtaposition that makes my mind scream. 'cuz on the one hand, hot bag'o'broken glass. On the other hand, daughter who wants to read the motorcycle fuel injection manual before bedtime again. And I'll take Door #2, please. So I wouldn't ask 'em a damn thing. Not a damn thing. 'cuz I honestly don't wanna know. More than that, I'm much happier not even thinking about it. Tomorrow's my mom's birthday. So, there's that. TMI.
Of course not. Some terrible parents are good people who make terrible mistakes while trying to be good parents (think cults) or who do things that the kids perceive as terrible. Are parents terrible because they beat their kids when they behave badly. Or are they good parents trying to discipline their kids? It depends on whether you believe that hitting kids is wrong. My daughter thinks I'm a terrible mother right now because of something I did on Tuesday. Parents and kids do and think things for different reasons and we don't always see it from one another's point of view. Some parents though are both terrible people and terrible parents.
I'm sorry that your daughter is feeling that way about you. This must be very difficult to realize. Is there any validity in her perception of the situation? Is this a minor blip or a rift? I hope it's just a blip. I had a long conversation with my mom and dad this morning. It was nice, I gained some real insight in to my childhood and early years.
This Be The Verse They fuck you up, your mom and dad
They may not mean to, but they do
They fill you with the faults they had
and add some extra, just for you But they were fucked up in their turn
by fools in old-style hats and coats
who half the time were soppy stern
and half at one another's throats
- philip larkin man hands on misery to man
it deepens like a coastal shelf
get out as early as you can
and don't have any kids yourself.
Do you think you would have been a good parent fifteen years ago? At 32, I'm confident that if I had a kid now I could do a reasonably good job raising her/him. I think in my twenties I didn't understand a lot about human connections, and that I would have not been great at it as a result. Not that I'd be neglectful, but I think that I've gotten more sensitive to others as I've aged and reflected. Anyway it's nice to hear things working out this way. It seems like bad parenting is often cyclic, and it takes a really in touch person to break the cycle.
A good parent? Certainly. Not quite as good a parent? Not sure. Thing if it is, I have literally dreaded being a parent my entire life. Not a selfish thing, but a "the cycle ends here" sort of thing. I had naturally assumed that the rigors of parenting would reveal me to be the selfish, incompetent asshole I truly am as a wailing blob of protoplasm rendered my true self to the detriment of all. At 25 I still woulda done a damn fine job, and my entire worldview would have shifted that much earlier. I was raised to believe in no uncertain terms that kids are terrible and they destroy your life. It couldn't be further from the truth. And the gap between those positions is one filled with personal and familial insights that I'd rather not plumb.
My dad died when I was 16 and he was 43, so there's tons of things I wish I could ask him -- about growing up in NYC, about WW2 and getting his foot blown off, about his determination to recover and work on social justice and human rights issues. Damn that death thing. My mom is still around, so I've talked to her about a lot of things. There's a little window of opportunity -- maybe a couple of years -- when an older person becomes willing to tell private stuff but before they forget it all. Catch that window if you can. The self-editing brain cells go first and some of the inhibitions shake loose. But some things are still too painful. I knew my mother skipped classes for a semester at university to care for her dying mother. Her girlfriends brought her all their notes and she somehow managed to pass. I wanted to know more about that time, what it was like, but didn't get very far. I got the feeling that it was a terrible terrible time for her and she didn't want to go there. tng -- it is so amazing that your parents got you fixed up into the handsome guy you are now with the singing voice!
Whenever I play ping pong I think of you and your relationship to your father. I'm sorry you lost him when you were so young. Whatever he did regarding raising you, he seems to have done well. You are a helluva gal miss Beautiful Awesome Person. I will be spending some time with my grandparents this weekend and intend to have some in depth conversations about them, their youth and the roles they played in mine.
My mother's grandfather was a tank commander for the Soviets, got his leg blown off too[!]. He died shortly after. It was a time when my mom lived with 9 people (three families, no fathers) in a one-bedroom apartment, on the 10th floor of a building that got electricity for 90 minutes a day. She was studying at uni meanwhile, and she would come home and pick up buckets of water on her way up for cleaning, cooking, and bathing everyone. She graduated at the top of her class-- of like a dozen people, but still. I don't understand or comprehend any fraction of the strength it took to do that, so thank you for reminding me because it's pretty humbling to look at how far she brought herself (and me!) compared to where she started. I guess I'd like to go takesies-backsies on my pretentious and sorta snotty question from before, and ask instead: "How do the experiences from those difficult times carry you forward through present-day struggles? Do you feel that it was an invaluable set of lessons learned and strength built, or just a dark time you'd rather forget? Do you think I could benefit from learning what it means to live like that compared to my current lifestyle (which has running water, for example)?"
The answer might be "When I was your age I had to carry water up to the tenth floor of a building. Poverty sucks and poverty and totalitarianism suck worse. I want you to have the tools for success and freedom." Your question #2 is a good one too.Why are you afraid to let me fail?
no don't take that question back... but you might want to frame it in the positive: Why do you want me to do well in everything I do?
My parents had me really late. My half brother is almost 40 and my sister's approaching her 30's. I don't mind cause i love my parents but i feel that since they re so much older, they sometimes don t feel like they can tell me so much stuff about their younger years. Like I know my dad was a super social guy (really not so much anymore) and he probably has so craaaazy stories to tell. I'm sure of it, he s an awesome guy. But somehow, in his head, he's this older guy. He's all "proper" and i never even heard him swear (except the times he hit his foot at night against something and thinks nobody can hear him). Kinda similar with my mom. Basically, i know they had crazy adventures at some point but I know they will never really tell me about it for some reason. I know it, cause i really tried to get those stories out at some point. I wish they could just open up and tell me everything some day...
Prolly why they haven't divorced yet. This is kinda more my sister's thing than mine, but they fight all the damn time, and even though it's bickering rather than intense shouting matches and there are times when they're not arguing, it seems like there's not really times when the pendulum swings all the way back. Like, their relationship seems to go from annoyed to relatively neutral and maybe an "I love you" here and there but it seems like that's more out of obligation than anything else, y'know? On the other hand I'm not sure I would've realised any of this if my sister hadn't confronted me about it, so y'know. Take all this with a grain of salt. Oh, and I would ask my dad why he doesn't quit his job, which I sorta know the answer to already (stability + cash), but I feel like just asking would get him thinking about actually doing it, which would be my intent. Like it's great that he has a steady job, but it's not that steady (he seems to be constantly worried he'll get fired tomorrow), and it carries with it an incredible amount of stress, and between the stress and the hours his sleep schedule is super fucked up, and I get the impression this job is seriously bad for his health and happiness. So that's mine. I don't anticipate ever actually having this conversation because I still haven't even mentioned that I've been basically an atheist for over a year now, and pretty soon I'll be off to college and then the world. Maybe I'm a coward? I'm probably a coward. Scratch that, definitely a coward. Maybe I should do something about this.
That's great! Do you guys have the kind of relationship that allows for such things or do you just not have a lot of questions?
Ooh, me me me. "Why are you afraid to let me fail? Is it because you don't think I can handle it or don't want me to get hurt, or because you think you are responsible for everything in my life? Is the college I go to about the security of my future and happiness, or the letter grade of how well you did?" Of course, this would have to assume that she would give an honest answer, as well. In hindsight I tried not to load the question too much but it's pretty much spilling over.
Dude, don't worry bout it too much. College is important and a huge opportunity, but ultimately even if you fail everything (which i know you won't), it's not the end of the world. I kinda see how much you apply yourself and work hard by the posts on here where you're always talking 'bout studying, which is a good quality (like seriously, i'm in university but i feel like your environment of over-achieving kids have more work than i do) . Just work hard but keep in mind sometimes fuckups lead to great things so don't be scared to fail too bad... i dunno whatever i'm uber drunk. Just wanted to tell you you're awesome and don t stress too much. peace.
Thanks homie, that's awesome of you. I'm not afraid to fuck up, is the point. I wish my mom wasn't afraid to let me do something risky and possibly fuck up, so I could learn something from experience instead of an worn-out old textbook and a worn-out old teacher. I mean, I'm still in high school, you feel? but I 'preciate it. and stay hydrated ;)
I have never had a fear of judgement from my parents because honestly their judgement or approval mean nothing to me anymore. These days I don't bother to ask those types of questions because I'm suspicious about the honesty of their responses. Unfortunately, I've had to stop entertaining the notion that I might ever have the answers to the questions I have about my childhood and their parenting. Thankfully, it has left me with more energy and passion to explore the things that I can control/understand today.
I have to process the questions with my parents because I've got a few and I don't even think I can post them here. But, to my deceased grandparents, all of whom I never got to meet: "Were you really as cool as my parents tell me you were? Would you spoil me like every other kid's grandparents? Would you have filled up a hole in my heart that I'm not really sure is there or not? And most importantly: What were you like?"