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comment by geneusutwerk
geneusutwerk  ·  3969 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: I live in a Surveillance State

This was not well written. Should not have included a call to a phone sex line because no one can relate to that. Also HIV testing service? I mean sure they have those, but if you have an insurance company you'd probably just go through your doctor...

Should be just the second two points. Maybe something that is more embarrassing but relatable...more bland "They know you've been calling your doctor multiple times over the course of a week, and then after the final call you started to call up numbers you haven't called in months or even years for short conversations"

Edit: oh perhaps. "they know you haven't called your son in years".





cgod  ·  3969 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Actually people who need aids test and don't have insurance or call sex lines are relatable people. I think it's perfectly effective writing assuming that the reader has any empathy.