I hide in busy It's not my fault I gave life and life is wrought In feeding and cleaning and tending without end I didn't want my mother's life But that is what I got Edit: changed the fourth line from wiping to tending
I think part of the strength of this piece is its brevity, which certainly suits it for being posted within a commenting system. I like the simplicity despite the fact that a big statement is actually being made about the nature of life. That's no small concept. Do you mind a friendly critique/suggestion? I wonder if the last line is implied by the one that comes before it (as well as the context of the rest of the poem), and if the poem would be missing anything if it were left out. I'm going back and forth on whether "I didn't want my mother's life" could stand as an ending on its own. If not, would it be interesting to end on an action instead of a statement? Another small example of what a mother's life consists of? "I didn't want my mother's life / of washing dishes until my hands go raw" or something along those lines, maybe (quick example off the top of my head). Hope you don't mind the suggestion; I just wanted to chime in.
Thanks! Yeah, maybe I'd change wiping to tending... I was thinking about djw's ideas, and going over it in my head off on and on yesterday, and couldn't quite make the change. It might make it better, but it also changed it into a different poem. And this was the one in me. Though, I don't write poetry and never studied it, so I was afraid it might come off a bit limerick-ish :)