Sorry to hear that, mk. What sort is it? Fourth surgery because it keeps growing back, or some other reason?
I’m in Madrid with my parents, doing all the awesome museums and eating delicious food and planning my other trips in the evenings. It’s a bit rough hearing my dad listening to the news about the Ukrainian bombings twice a day and discussing it a we walk around, but otherwise we’re in good spirits. Today is some Spanish celebration and the show of military planes above the city was a bit unsettling in this context. Damn I missed traveling! Feeling excited about Detroit and Mexico next. I forgot how much I enjoyed planning and working some magic. Still get bouts of sadness and loneliness from the breakup, drunk texted half my friends yesterday evening to make more plans that will keep me busy. I know it’s partly just coping, but I’m happy to see my friends are there for me in those moments :)
You and I have some similar coping mechanisms here. Stay very, very busy which I think can be a great thing because you can end up in some interesting situations and take whatever life throws at you. Something I know, you, in particular, are really, really good at. Hope you've been doing well. Been dealing with a 3-year breakup. These things kind of suck, hah.
Yeah, I’m pretty good at getting shit done and improvising in a given situation. But I feel I’m in the most uncertain phase of my life at the moment. No more job or relationship - something that has actually never happened to me in my whole adult life : I met my ex the summer before starting university. And with my life experience and just the past few months of meeting people I have this weird confidence that I’m likeable and capable enough to make whatever I decide to do next happen. It could be anything from completely changing career orientation, moving cities, finding some interesting lovers… Or all of it at once. it’s just kind of scary and overwhelming because it feel opportunities are endless but I’ll have to make a choice before I’ll want to stop bumming around the world. Also in a little bit of an angry phase. At myself for staying in a relationship that stoped serving me a long time ago. At my ex for not trying harder to make us work. Did not know I had so much repressed anger at the situation, I wonder what other layers are still hidden there, FUCK.
Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. That’s why I’m posting on company time. The Bible, The Quran, The Baha’i Writings, I’m not burned out on them, but when you read from them everyday, they kind of get repetitive and lose some of their “wow factor.” I think it’s hard too, cause when you read them to hold a mirror up to yourself, to hold yourself to account, it’s hard often to not feel like you’re failing terribly short on a daily basis. I’m a very flawed man and it’s so easy to be angry and sad these days, so, so easy. I gotta find ways not to. So I’m reading other things, like Epictetus and a Marcus Aurelius, Pema Chodron, Attar’s “Conference of the Birds,” on I can go. Authors and books that touch on the same subjects and themes, but from new perspectives to just try to keep things fresh and keep me motivated. Twitter sucks as a source for positive energy. I might just use my account to quote passages and throw them out into the world a bit, not really expecting people to see them though. I think this year’s MLB Playoff format gave the underdog teams an unintended edge, and I’m okay with that. I have more to say, maybe on my lunch.
Yeah. I see where you’re coming from. The frustration I feel with myself though, I think is very important to point out, doesn’t come from feeling guilty or shameful or sinful or anything like that. The frustration I feel, comes from both the knowledge that I can do more and be better, and the desire to do more and be better, and I’m just not living up to the vision of me that I have of myself. It’s because I’m not being told “I’m not good enough,” it’s because I’m being told “I have it on me to be amazing.” I think it’s coming from multiple directions too, like I’m in a spiritual slump almost to the point of having The Yips, to the being held back by a lot of fear and anxiety. I mean, I’ve lost count of the number of times I wanted to do something, only to talk myself out of it, and end up frustrated with myself the next day. It’s not fun.
I’m doing laundry today, a boatload of laundry, so I’m working my way through Seneca’s De Ira translated by James Romm and titled “How to Keep Your Cool.” It’s pretty okay, the translation is easy to read and understand without feeling dry, so credit to Romm for that, and Seneca has some worthwhile thoughts about anger and why our relationship with it is unhealthy. My wife used Post-It Notes to mark passages she finds interesting. Some books, I’m not joking, she’ll have one every few pages. There were some passages I already went through that made me think a bit, but I didn’t note them, so I’ll have to go back and find them later. First time reading Seneca though and he’s pretty alright. I told the wife we need more books of his. She agrees. So there’s that. I also have baseball going on in the background. An old game from earlier this year, if two teams I didn’t pay attention to, just to learn players I don’t know. And no, it’s not a Kansas City Game. As far as I’m aware, that team is actually a work of fiction.
So do you know what day you're heading out? Good luck.
My date Wednesday went really well! We split after eating and reconvened later for a dance party at a local park. It was wonderful until the DJ let us know that to wrap up his set he was going to play an original, and it turned out to be Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech remixed into a house track. When "free at last!" led into the drop and the DJ picked up the mic and told us we were all keeping the dream alive I started laughing so hard my abs cramped up. I immediately let my date know we had to leave because there's no way I'm ending up on some Instagram story in that context. We made plans to grab coffee next week but we both ended up with covid, which it turns out really sucks. Now I'm quarantining and trying not to infect my housemate, but that might be a lost cause. Fortunately I got my fourth shot a month ago so it more or less just feels like a bad cold. My strategy of eating kratom to kill the cough and malaise has worked pretty well so far, and I ordered a few pints of ice cream so it's not a terrible weekend. I just wish I could leave the house.
Put together my big scary goal sheet for climbing for next year but also up to 5 years out (lol, like that won't change). But I'm feeling better and better about what I'm hoping to do next year, so long as I can make the time and find the partners. The longer term goals will require a radical shift in how I am living though, as we're talking about 15 to 30 day long trips, potentially. Meanwhile, I'm learning that at least on these dating apps that the people I am interested in and the people who seem interested in me have a high degree of instability? Most of these people/dates are the one 7 hours away going back to school, multiple other dates with RNs, a date with a postdoc who's moving to Europe, and a date with a mountain guide. Nothing "stable" about any of that. I am not sure what to make of this yet.
Got a job offer - but sadly they cannot carry my salary over. I would be taking a knock of about 5k and with our mortgage being refixed next year (going from 2.90% to something in the vicinity of 7%+) I don't think I can do it. I'm going to ponder it over the weekend, and they have definitely made things comfortable for me in the offer - the helpdesk is shift work, but they're making my roster fixed Mon-Fri, 8.30-5. I wouldn't have any management responsibilities, and I'd get out from under my current boss. But gah, money.
My foot went from "no pain" to "most pain since burst appendix," and I'm glad I took an oxycodone prescription. I'm not glad for having to take it, but it's a low dose extended release with naloxone core that gives me next to nothing to associate with pleasure. We'll see in three weeks. Until then, it's drifting between islands of lucidity. The analogy also works on the persistent sea-sickness level. One of the Ukrainian 'cousins' I got back with the first wave came to help me, and she ended up staying at first, but now comes by every few days. It's honestly unnecessary, but it's what I'd do in her place anyway. I appreciate having someone to talk to, though. I got a call about what I understood as possibly of changing that initial kinda-postdoc contract mentioned some weeks ago into assistant professorship. Though, really, I don't get or care for admin drivel even when sober, and now it's kind of a challenge to follow interesting shit.
No need to apologize, definitely not with what's going on in your life. No, I'm not in the hospital; it's just broken metatarsals, not foot reconstruction. Doc at orthopaedics told me it can get painful (gave detained reasons that I for the love of god can't recall), though I didn't expect it to get this bad, so suddenly.