I wish this wasn't a familiar story but I've seen it too many times now to be surprised. You did your friend a service telling him those things even if he doesn't see it that way now. I hope things work out amicably (or better) between you and his wife and that he eventually gets a fucking clue!
And what gets me here is that he likely won't learn a thing. But holy shit did it feel good telling that fucker off. "It was like taking off tight shoes". Which is also why I feel terrible about this, but I did my part as ethically as I had the energy to. Dude decides to flip his lid at that, that's his shame and not mine. Even tried to involve my wife in this, since he assumed I'd kept her in the dark and that lying to her woud get him a sympathetic ally. Did not go as he expected.You did your friend a service telling him those things even if he doesn't see it that way now
Yeah, you can't make him learn anything, just offer him something to learn from should he ever decide to. He doesn't want to talk about boundaries or set consistent ones because it'd require him to admit something about himself he doesn't want to. I doubt he consciously understands that, but no matter. Hopefully someday he gets tired of this and figures himself out!
You're right on the money here. And, as said, of course this is a very one-sided account and he has his own version, but despite acting like an absolute bastard I just can't manage to feel I was entirely in the wrong here. He's just got so little capacity for self-reflection that I doubt he'll be learning anything from any of this, if the past 23 years are any indicator. Who knows, people can change, but he's always treated women like shit in general (he's the sort of person who'll grab someone's ass when drunk. He got fired for it once…) and I just don't know if that sort of "feature" can be fixed in any meaningful way considering his personality. But thanks for letting me vent. This was honestly a pretty terrible experience all around and it's nice to be able to let some of this steam out at random internet people.