half the trans population is in some form of poly relationship and the perspective i have looking at my friends' relationship pains gives me the following rules for relationships of more than two: 1. you need to be on equal footing. everybody needs to like each other, and preferably know each other well beforehand. relationships should be triangles, not V-shaped. 2. communicate like a motherfucker! more relationships = more chance for things to get fucked up = more silly fights and hurt feelings 3. everybody needs to want a poly relationship - otherwise it's just sanctioned cheating within a mono relationship 4. use common sense squawk quack the behavior that divides cuddle puddle from cuck shed is pretty obvious but i see it fucked up all the time
I've been hanging around a bunch of poly people in the recent years, and I would say most are V-shaped. Or W or something. I'd say everyone is friends, and date around but once a relationship becomes more serious they usually like to meet with the new partners. And sometimes do become good friends. What I find tough with polyamory is the constant negotiating of boundaries and expectations. In a traditional relation, of course that's important too. But you already have a base framework that you can adapt to, and the situation is not shifting as constantly with the coming and going of new interests. Poly is like playing the relationships game on hard mode. My friend when on a date with a poly person recently, and was just overwhelmed by the amount of disclaimers and current relationship structure explaining that was necessary before even starting anything. It's like the communication part becomes a full time job. Maybe it's just my personal bias, but the almost therapy-like language poly people use to discuss their relations would put me in a perpetual state of eye-rolling if it was my life. I'm super happy for all my friends that seem to be doing poly right and loving it, but from the outside it seems like more trouble than it's worth.
My thoughts too - I have some friends who are in these relationships and I just do not get it. I don't want to talk anyone out of it, and if it makes them happy I'm all for it but the drama oh the drama. Plus as you say, there's so much to try and understand before you even get to know someone in that setup. Matched with one or two when I was using tinder and we would start talking then they'd have the spiel that was very kind of them to produce, but it also served as a mighty signal for me to not go any further.Poly is like playing the relationships game on hard mode.
Yeah I would feel weird not being able to at least have a cup of tea with serious metamours, and I think any relationship where one meta actively dislikes another is probably not going to work out long term. Monogamous relationship assumptions get to be unstated because a lot of society is structured to expect them. Figuring out how to do polyamory well takes a lot of talking but once you figure it out, it's pretty mundane, at least in my experience?
This is interesting - to me it sounds like the person doesn't handle relationships well. Or at least, doesn't handle relationships the way I understand it. I've been with my partner for 3 years now, and we have our own bedrooms in our house, but we sleep in the same bed. We have our own hobbies and circle of friends that overlap every so often, but have enough room that we can both go out one night and not encounter each other. I think our method is healthy. We support each other, we do a lot together, but we certainly aren't being everything for one another. Alone time can be in the same house as each other, neither her nor I need to go to someone else to get everything we need.In general, that’s the really cool thing about polyamory: I don’t feel the pressure of being everything for someone
What a dumpster fire of a relationship! My poly friend just informed me there is drama brewing in the poly community about closing the polycules, only seeing your nesting partners and ditching the comets and new partners while we are social distancing. Apparently "Cuddle bonded" is the new "fluid bonded"