Thank you all for your suggestions on how to live with Windows, my Microsoft-controlled existence feels a lot easier now. I managed to move my Linux virtual machine over from VMWare Fusion on my Macbook Pro and after whispering soothing words into its ear it now lives happily under Windows. For when I don't need the whole Linux desktop experience I've now got a Ubuntu terminal in my start menu, which is now located at the top of the screen. Rainmeter is really nice, I used to run GeekTools back in the day but for some silly reason stopped. I haven't dared to run those de-bloater scripts yet, but hopefully will get around to it this weekend. Still trying to find a native RSS reader that doesn't suck, but I'm leaning more and more towards going with a web solution. My only problem right now is ironically that I can't get my printer to work which is connected to the network through an Airport Express. Trying to get it to work with Bonjour only makes the installer crash. Thanks, Apple!
Just 'cuz I know you'll appreciate it: I had my Mac Mini cease to believe in my Epson printer over Bonjour between page 2 and page 3 of a 14-page PDF. Next step is to restart the damn computer and hope for the best.
I see, no, just trying to get it to work in Windows. I also just realised Samsung sold off their printing division in 2016, so basically I've been trying to make a deprecated printer talk to Windows through a deprecated router through deprecated software...
Bonjour has been effectively deprecated. They haven't updated it in three years. The Airport Express has likewise been turned into abandonware. Apple was never good at networking and they've shown zero interest in working with companies that are. What I love is that they kept selling Time Capsules for about two years after they killed AFP in their operating system. For a while, I was able to keep a SCSI-2 film scanner working over Firewire in an OS X environment. Then Steve Jobs died. And that, as they say, was that. Nowadays you're lucky to get 18 months of consistent functionality out of an iPhone. Your best move is to take a good hard look at the devices and software Apple is advertising their support of and discontinue literally everything else. Because if it's working now, it will suddenly stop one day when you most need it. I've been on the phone with tech support and had them say "yeah, well we've got email? But you really shouldn't use it. Unofficially our support tree for MobileMe is "use Gmail."
Somewhere on Reddit there's a lamentation from an Apple engineer on the subject of strain reliefs. It must be a thousand words on how everyone knows they need them, everyone knows they're good, everyone knows that Apple products suffer through their absence and everyone knows that Jonny Ive and his ilk will never allow Apple products to have any. Because fuck your ergonomics.